I struggle with ptsd. I struggle with anxiety. I struggle with depression. I haven’t always had the best luck in life, haven’t been dealt good cards. It hasn’t bothered me all that much because I believe that I am meant to handle whatever is coming my way. When I was young, I had an abusive/neglectful father. When my mother remarried, my stepfather was inappropriate with me, touching me, getting under the covers with me in his underwear and “cuddling”. When I had just turned 14 an 18 year old boy took me to his house and shoved his hand down my pants. When I was 15/16 I was raped by my friends boyfriend. When I was 16/17 I got into an abusive relationship. It lasted four years. I have almost died seven times. I have been held underwater, stomped, punched, kicked, cut, tied up and tortured. I was punched so hard that it caused hairline fractures along my cheekbone. My jaw does not close right. And so much more that landed me in a domestic violence shelter as the second most severe survivor. Then after I escaped, I met my boyfriend now.

Now during the whole time I was being abused I was also being cheated on constantly. Being compared to porn stars. Bringing strippers over to the house and comparing me to them. Telling I could look better if only I had bigger boobs. If only I wasn’t so ugly.

My boyfriend now suffered a porn addiction. And it made all of my self-conscious issues worse. The lying, doing things behind my back, ignoring me for weeks at a time, finding girls underwear in his room that he says were his roommates. Just all of it took its toll on me but I stayed because I know what it’s like to be messed up and he was trying to get better. Well now we are going to a party and I am full blown triggered. A comment was made about the type of girls that will be there (fake boobs/butt/plastic) it was a mean comment but it triggered me. Because I am very small chested and petite, this has always been my insecurity but due to my abusive situation and the porn addiction it shatters me. When talking about his addiction, it was said that (paraphrasing) I didn’t have what he wanted so he looked up the opposite of me. And that crushed me.

Now my problem (sorry that was long) is that I just cut myself before the party because I was hurting so badly inside that I just wanted to do anything to not feel it as badly. I can hide one with a watch but how do I stop this? This is my third time doing something like this and I don’t like it. I was going to therapy for three years but had to stop because I lost my job due to COVID and couldn’t afford her hourly. I’m on antidepressants but I got too depressed and stopped taking them for like three days so I basically had to start all over. How do I stop this? What are things I can do when I am feeling so overwhelmed and panicked to where I don’t do this?