As I sit here awake I get deep into thought...

How most women track their postpartum body goals and what it was like for them... but for me that was so hard. Looking in the mirror seeing a body that created a baby but I don’t have my baby made me hate myself and my body. Knowing the one thing that was meant to protect my child, didn’t.

I never got to appreciate the wonders of a woman’s body and how they can survive birth and see their beautiful baby’s grow... not me. I never got that. Instead , I didn’t focus on my recovery. I focused on my baby. Every second I was sleep deprived and delusion I didn’t even feel it. Every time I groaned in pain from moving too quickly or standing up too fast, it didn’t phase me. I didn’t even notice. Because my recovery meant nothing to me because my body isn’t a safe haven for my baby. It was the opposite.

I hate looking at myself in the mirror knowing I have proof of being a mom but my baby’s crib is still empty. Our backseat is still empty. Our closest is now empty of where his clothes use to hang.

To me, it’s not enough. I will never look at myself the same.

I resent the stretch marks, the milk my body made, the scar that now is a reminder of that horrible day... 😔🥀

Rest in Paradise Nash Jesus-Atticus Salas 💚👼