I get that I’m fucking annoying, and that i need a therapist. The only reason I don’t have one is because they’re SOO damn expensive.

I was 14 when my nana died. My nana half raised me because my mom was a single mom working however many jobs and she was basically my daycare so I was even closer to her than I was my late grandmother who passed this morning.

However, the type of pain I’m feeling from this loss is like... overwhelming.

There are times i feel okay like right now. And THEN, there are times I feel so much pain that I curl up into a ball and sob so hard that I feel my guts twisting. Its like the emotional pain manifests itself physically.

Then I go completely numb.

Then I feel rage. And i don’t know what I’m so angry about but I’m pissed off and feel like I could stab someone in the eye with a fork.

And then I’m okay again and the cycle continues.

It’s WEIRD. She passed away around 10 am and it’s 9pm so what do I have in store?

I want to understand what in the hell is happening to me.

I don’t ever remember feeling this type of pain with my nana and I don’t know why. I know it was a decade ago but this is a type of pain you don’t forget.