I have an incompetent cervix and had emergency c-sections with both of my pregnancies. My son was born 25weeks and spen t 88 days in the NICU. He spent weeks in and out of the hospital his first year of life. 9 years later I’m in a new relationship and I told my partner I never wanted to have another child.

We became pregnant and I had this baby at 26 weeks despite all early intervention medications, bed rest and a cervical cerclage. She spent 67 days in the NICU.

I was so caught up in the her care at the hospital that I missed my OB appointment to get my mirena. I was breastfeeding, working, taking care of our son. My husband is in the military’s and before he left for 6 weeks we had sex. I didn’t think anything of it...well I got pregnant.

I was overwhelmed and went to an abortion clinic. They told me it was too early in the pregnancy. I was rescheduled for 2 weeks later.

That morning it was raining and flash flooding. I couldn’t even see the road on the 30 minute drive in the highway.

Outside the clinic , in the sidewalk there was a man holding a rosary...he was praying. Every fiber in my being wanted to go stand in the rain and talk things through with him. I still got on the elevator.

I looked “out of place” in the waiting room. At the ultrasound I asked for a picture of my baby.

When the doctor sat the cup with the medication in front of me he looked into my soul. He asked me “where are your people from?”...then he stared. It’s like he knew that I didn’t want to be there...

I swallowed the pill....

I traded my unborn child’s soul for mine....It felt so unnatural. I named her Delilah. I feel like I gave Delilah’s soul to the devil. I was afraid of dying during my pregnancy. I was afraid to see another child suffer in the NICU. I was afraid to see my husband so broken...so disappointed. I didn’t want to see the sad face of the nurses or doctors. I didn’t want to hear the fake optimism from the ultrasound tech at each maternal and fetal medicine appointments. I didn’t want weekly Makena shots.

I wanted to live for the family I already had.

I immediately felt selfish and couldn’t undo my choice. I ripped a timeline from this earth. My child could have been someone’s true love, parent, doctor, teacher, best friend...I interrupted the path of a million lives...I stopped generations from existing.

Now I take daily prescription “cocktails” to cope with life. There isn’t a pill on Earth that can fix me. I feel like nothing since that day is “right”...

There’s a empty seat in the car where Delilah should be sitting..an empty bedroom in the home. She’s missing from family photos and gatherings...

I mourn her life...it feels wrong because I damned her. There’s no way to cope with that burden.

My psychiatrist says I’m depressed. She’s wrong. My soul is tarnished...it’s lost some of its light. I pray to my God that I’ll feel whole again. That one day I can forgive myself.