Wave of grief

So, here I am, almost 14months out from my 4th pregnancy loss(13w3d), 3 weeks after the anniversary of my second pregnancy loss (20w) and 6 days till my birthday, and I get my period. I want to cry, but I feel angry as well. Yesterday was fathers day in my country. I spoiled hubby as we have been blessed with two living children amongst all of our losses and infertility. But he doesn't think much about our angel son's. He also is adamant we are done having kid's. Although we haven't used any birth control since we lost our little baby boy last year July, so go figure 🤷‍♀️. He was going to get a vasectomy, was on a waitlist but due to Covid-19 that has been put on hold as a non essential surgery. I can't force him to have another of course and I literally haven't asked if we can try for another, our 13w3d angel bub wasn't even meant to exist, we got pregnant I think it was less then 2 month's or thereabouts after he went on the waitlist for the consultation with the surgeon (yup a waitlist to go on a waitlist). This was after nearly 4 years actively TTC our second rainbow, total fluke as we both have fertility issues. But unlike him I grew attached and fond of the idea of 3 (previously I had no intentions of getting pregnant, I was just so happy with my two rainbows, felt priveledged, complete, and just in bliss).

He on the other hand, really hated that I was pregnant, had almost nothing to do with it. The most he did was come to the hospital after work to help me with the kids when I suffered a heavy bleed (super heavy, I bled like that with an ectopic, and also with a subchorionic heamorrhage), and same fore when I laboured and delivered our tiny angel. he didn't help organise cremation, or picking an urn, didn't help name him, nothing, still hasn't seen him not even pictures.

So now I'm just so angry. I don't want to talk to him about how upset I am that I'm not pregnant, or how much I wish I was, and all of my deep feelings about having another baby, because I know how he feels about having another. I don't want to talk to someone who can't empathise with me. Thanks to Covid-19 I feel really alone about it all. I know how lucky I am to have my 2 awesome rainbows, but my little boy I lost year just tore open my old scars from my previous losses and all of my grief has compounded. Not even my litter of a dozen puppies which is keeping me busy, distracts me from my heartache :( it's not fair

(Disclaimer my hubby is a good man, his reason for no more is him just not being okay with going through it all again, our pregnancies are high risk for early/late miscarriages and extreme preterm birth, our living children were 7 and 10weeks prem and it took a lot to get that far, it takes it's toll on all of us)