So, I know porn us a big thing that most of the world is in board with, but I'm just not one of those people. But, as mentioned, I understand that most are. Especially guys. My boyfriend being one of those guys. I just can't handle it on many levels, including the psychological effects it has on individuals and those in relationships.

At the start of our relationship I was honest about this with my partner, and I offered him a trade. I asked him if he would be open to the idea of having pornography of me in exchange for the random porn of strangers. He jumped at the opportunity.

So for a year of our relationship I was giving him very explicit, highly versatile pornography of myself, that he and I made both together and apart, catering very specifically to his particular fetishes and then some. This has been a huge deal for me as I never thought I would ever love or trust someone enough to be doing this sort of thing.

A year into things I find out he has been greedy and was accepting the content of me AND still watching regular porn. I was heartbroken. But I forgave him. He promised he was done with other porn. We moved on.

A month later I find out he lied. Again. Rinse an repeat... It's been the same thing again, and again, and again for the past 7 months and I am seriously hurting now. It's been lie after lie.

One time I caught him when I had just gone downstairs to douche because he requested anal. One time he borrowed my phone to use the flashlight and used it to look stuff up for 30 seconds. One time I woke up to an empty bed and was looking around for him, I called out and nothing, then I looked up above the room to our little loft a d thought I saw something. I walked to the ladder and he was up there, underwear in a heap on the floor. I asked what was going on and he told me he has been looking at porn... After I'd been asking him for weeks if he'd started again and to please be honest with me.

I don't know what to do. I feel so worthless. I'm not even worth his honesty. I have given so much to this relationship that I barely have anything left for myself. And I have continued to stay through all of the lies. I even asked him that if nothing else, please just be honest with me about things. But nothing...

We broke up a fortnight ago because I can't tell if I can trust what he says anymore and the lack of trust is adding to my already deteriorating mental health during COVID.

We both have BPD. Mine is treated but has flared up something shocking during COVID and with my PTSD being triggered so many times. His BPD is untreated. He doesn't understand much about BPD and is highly impulsive and emotional. COVID has set his brain on fire too. He uses pen as amaladaptivr coping mode, as well as dabbling on and off with substance abuse.

He has been the only company I've had for the past 7 months. During that time we have fought terribly and he had triggered my PTSD by grabbing me during an episode of BPD wherein I have thrown something on the ground or pulled at my hair, etc. He knows about my PTS. I even take medication to help my nightmares. But he still grabs me. It has set my PTSD on fire. I have tried to step in front of a car and have been hospitalized once. Even when he came to pick me up he looked at porn during the few minutes whilst I was in the chemist.

Being with him has been so draining and I have not been careful to save anything for myself. I am on empty now and I'm struggling with mental health like never before(and I was in and out of psych wards before I started my therapy for BPD). I also struggle with anorexia and body dysmorphia, and this porn business has completely exploded all of that. I am struggling to look into mirrors again. I'm having intrusive thoughts. My emotional regulation is zero. My self worth is zero. Going into this year I was the most stable and mentally sound I have ever been in my life. It was so wonderful. But now I feel like I've lost it all.

I've stayed with my partner because the beauty I have experienced in this relationship has been truly indescribable, and my partner is the most breathtaking, gentle, creative, skillful, intelligent, compassionate creature I've ever met underneath his BPD and maladaptive coping techniques. He is so magical that it hurts me deeply to know the world has beaten him down to this.

We are both on antidepressants now and I'm encouraging him to start therapy. I need to get better and I think he wants to as well. He wants to make this work. He wants us to get back together. I desperately do too because I love him beyond words. But am I being stupid here? Or is this just COVID craziness that I should try to ride out?

The last time we had sex before the breakup, he didn't climax. We stupidly had sex last night even though we aren't together at the moment, and he didn't climax again. This is not usually aproblem tat we have. I don't know if he is just unattracted to me now? Or if he is talking to someone new online. I don't know what is going on but I am so confused and hurt and could use any advice given. Please!