I have a 5 month old son. I’ve been with my SO for 2.5 years. He works over seas and we haven’t spent that much time together. With COVID he’s been home for 6 months now and it’s completely tearing us apart.

We both have our own mental issues. I have anxiety and depression. And he has depression. I truly believe we just make things so much worse for each other.

We try taking time apart but I love him so much I hate not being around him. I truly believed we were so deeply connected before this. Now I don’t even know him.

He has physically and mentally abused me. I know I’m not innocent. I say things that upset him and I threw a bottle at his chest once.

We got into another fight today and he just crosses the line constantly. He says things like he’ll take my son from me because he shouldn’t be raised by a psycho like me. He says I’ll lose in court because I don’t have the funds for a lawyer. He now has said I run my mouth and deserve to be hit. I was involved in a physical assault before I met him and he keeps telling me I deserved it. I asked him when we weren’t fighting why he doesn’t do anything romantic for me. He said he’ll try harder but then goes and says I don’t deserve anything from him. That I’m not special and I don’t deserve to be treated that way. He is absolutely crushing my soul.

I feel so completely lost. I have no family to talk to. Or to help me in any way. I know i should leave him but I can’t handle the thought of losing my son or even having split custody for that matter. I don’t want that life but I don’t want this one either.

We tried counseling and it worked well but can’t go back because of financial issues. I’ve asked him to get help for his depression he said he would but hasn’t. My heart is broken and I literally have no one.

Any advice is welcome but please no harsh words. I’m doing the best I can.

Life update:

My son and I moved out temporarily at my moms house. Doing what I can to find a remote job and get my own place. He goes to work over seas for the next few months so we are taking that time apart. I’m not sure what will happen. I love him and always will but I’m very hurt by this entire situation.