SO and I had made a plan for children before we started ttc. We planned to have one child and when that child was a year, start ttc again for another.

I got pregnant, it was a very difficult complication riddled (hyperemisis, preterm labor, rashes, migraines, inflammation of my organs, etc) pregnancy which ended in a placental abruption and emergency delivery of a preemie boy. Basically, my body had an allergic reaction to my pregnancy and tried to get rid of it. It was basically a miracle I carried him as long as I did. The doctors advised me not to get pregnant again. I was upset about this, but SO was VERY upset, wanted to blame the doctors for not “treating” the condition and etc.

After he was born and in the nicu, I quit my job knowing I’d have 3 months of insurance after. Did my 6 week appointment, from there got referred to an OB for a tubal, which took ages, and then at the tubal consult, was told our state law makes us wait 30 days after the consult to have the surgery! I was so upset because that meant I would have no insurance. So that got canceled. After that, I was afraid to even let SO touch me for fear of getting pregnant and also told him that if I got pregnant, there would be only one option for me because I would not risk my life for another baby nor deal with such a difficult pregnancy that I couldn’t care for our infant son. I actually dive into depression just when I get nauseated because of ptsd (remembering feelings of hopelessness when things were at their worst like I was never going to feel good again)

So over the winter, SO was laid off a lot and we qualified for Medicaid. So I rescheduled my tubal. Then the pandemic hit and it wasn’t considered an essential procedure and got canceled 😫

Now they’re doing them again but I have no help with my LO who is over a year and big and heavy so I decided to get an iud at least until my LO is walking.

So last Monday, I was supposed to get my iud, and my period was late, so the OB rescheduled it for this upcoming week. When my period finally started, SO was visibly disappointed.

My SO keeps saying things like “well maybe this is what’s meant to be, maybe someone is trying to tell you it would be okay to try for another baby etc etc.”

Last month, he claimed we were out of condoms and after a couple glasses of wine, we had sex and he pulled late. He was like “oops, the wine made me a little slow”. He also constantly wanted sex when he is normally the one with the low drive.

The next day, I found condoms in his drawer when I looked because I was as sure we had to have some because we barely have sex to use them up. So he lied.

THEN I found a prescription for T (which he had to take as a <a href="https://glowing.com/glow-fertility-program">fertility treatment</a>) and he claimed it was old. But the bottle was filled about 6 weeks prior!

I have no idea what to do, do I just get my iud and drop all this? Or do I confront this situation? Or do I do some of the things he asked - see a fertility specialist and get a second opinion - despite two OB’s and everything I’ve read saying it’s a huge risk to have another?

I’m at such a loss because I crave another baby but we can’t afford surrogacy or adoption and I’m so broody that fostering would kill me 😫 but the idea of risking another pregnancy sends me into the worst anxiety!

Thanks to whoever reads this and offers gentle advice!