Loosing love

So I dealt with the same women for a little over the last year. On and off. But from January to August consistently. With stoped dealing with each other for 3 weeks and she died in those 3 weeks. I can’t explain my pain. I just want to curl up in a ball and never move. I would rather her be angry with me and be here then be dead. She was my first. I’ve never felt love like the love she gave me. She was my friend and so much more. I’m just lost. I’m hurting. I don’t wish this pain on anyone. I shared the most intimate party of myself with her and she has that piece of me with her.