So I live at home during the pandemic with my mom and three brothers. One of them is 18 years older than me (I’m 21) and the others are twins who are 13.

Yesterday an elderly neighbor of ours drove up by mistake and my mom talked with him from several feet away while myself and my younger brothers we’re behind her and he was in his car. None of us had a chance to put masks on as we were gardening a ways from the house when he pulled up.

My older brother poked his head out of his house (he lives in a small trailer on the property) and yelled “put a fucking mask on!” The neighbor drove off immediately.

My brother then began screaming at me and my mom calling us stupid and began texting us saying what the fuck is wrong with you guys along with some more colorful language. He then stormed into the house we all live at and began calling my mom names and yelling at my little brothers. He pointed at them aggressively and told them the pandemic and his anger was their fault and then said the same to my mom.

Then he rounded on me and crossed the room and got in my face and told me it was ESPECIALLY my fault and told me to “be fucking responsible” along with some personal attacks.

Note: I don’t tolerate being yelled at and immediately went into an anxiety attack and I have an issue where (for almost as long as I can remember) I compulsively hit/pinch myself when yelled at with no escape. I also passed out once before this when my mom was angry with me.

I hit myself once, maybe twice and promptly fainted from anxiety. I came too with my mom saying stop and him screaming in my face “why don’t you make a BIGGER SCENE YOU LITTLE BITCH YOU CANT FUCKING KNOCK YOURSELF OUT!, Why don’t you be MORE histrionic you fucking histrionic little bitch that’s what you are youre a little bitch!!!” This was basically on repeat for the entire time.

He got in my face and spit and foam were all over my face and in my mouth and I wasn’t able to really speak and my mom tried to yell at him to stop but he got worse and she was trying to Skype the family court on a scheduled appearance for my father, a doctor who hasn’t paid child support in over 2 years. She missed the appointment :(

Five more minutes of my brother screaming at me, calling me names, telling me everything was my fault and telling me to “start being fucking responsible” and telling me to “stop making my stupid little sauces and grow up and be responsible “ and me being completely paralyzed in fear he storms out slams the door so hard the house shakes (doors and handle are loose around the house from his outbursts)

I try to calm down and end up arguing with my mother who says he’s wrong and a monster and panicked me is trying to justify what he did and say it WAS my fault and that I DID deserve it. But eventually I calmed down and can see it was wrong.

The “stupid sauces” is reference to the fact that I home canned 15 gallons of tomato sauce almost entirely from my own garden in which I grew nearly all our food for most of the year.

I’ve been afraid to leave my room because I know he will try to lecture me, he sent messages to my mom and I saying if we don’t listen to him he will make things around here worse and in the past has threatened and murder-suicide type thing and if no one wants to be around him he threatens suicide that will be my fault and my mothers fault.

Last week he got angry with me after I refused to pick a side in an argument with my mother in which he insisted one of my younger brothers is brain damaged and all of us to tell him he was “different” in hopes of “helping” him because he often injures himself and had broken an arm two days before.

Mind you, this same little brother hid from our older brother for 15 minutes with a severe displaced fracture just last week because he was afraid to let him know he was hurt due to his outrageous reactions in the past where he called the now injured brother names for needing medical attention during the pandemic.

In the past I have had issues with my mom trying to kick me out and disown me for dating and been subject to covert manipulation by her for many things but she has never threatened my life in the ways he has.

My mom wants to sell our house in favor of getting my brother a place to stay away from us and I want to move out but I know it will make him more angry and vengeful.

I know he has severe problems and was and is abused by his estranged wife. He blames this on me and my mother for not forcing her to stop yet will take no advice and insists he isn’t the problem and that therapy and anger management do not help.

If anyone gets this far, thanks for reading, I just had to get it out so I don’t feel so crazy.