I don’t know anymore

I was abandoned by my father when I was 5 years old.

I recently found him and I’m 18. But he doesn’t want me and it broke me I spent so many years trying to find him because I thought he didn’t mean to leave me. But turns out he doesn’t want me and I am so hurt. I broke down in the shower yesterday I took it out of myself I just lost it I always knew something was missing in my life and it was my dad but my own father doesn’t even want me. I have a lot of cute on my leg it hurts really bad. I haven’t self harmed in 6 months. But today I lost it I feel so stupid but I don’t know what to do.

Basically since my father left I have abandonment and trust issues. I also have depression and anxiety. But therapy doesn’t do shit even if I try I always take it out on myself because I don’t want to hurt anyone