My brain is trying to convince me that no one fuckin cares about my feelings but I want to write them out because it’s been a source of bad mental health and thoughts of suicide constantly. I’ve never been able to keep friends. When I was young I was the weird kid. A lot of bad things were going on at home and I was undesirable as a friend. When I got older I think I over compensated a lot but always being generous and a yes person. I’d accommodate rides and food and money and anything my friend’s needed. I’d had a few friends that way, but they never lasted. They end up calling me toxic and a bitch, manipulative behind my back.

I had one friend of 7 years, she seemed to appreciate me but I kind of always felt like it was one sided. I did most of the asking to hang out, and everything had to be up to her standards. No last minute changes or I’d be afraid she’d get mad. But this was my best friend. Last year things were really bad for me. I was so depressed and suicidal. But she never reached out. I haven’t heard from her in almost a year.

Another friend is in an actual cult started by her family and some “apostle”, and he sexually harassed her a few months ago. her and her family still accept him. She makes Me uncomfortable and irritated because she tells me what my ex friends are up to without me asking. It gives me a lot of anxiety and the suicidal thoughts come back up. The ex friend is apparently dating her roommate and her fiancé but I don’t want to know. I haven’t healed.

I don’t know what’s wrong with me.

The final friend I’ll bring up just doesn’t seem interested in me. I was telling her what was going on with the situation above and she got to and walked to a vending machine and kept interrupting what I was saying talking about the machine not working. But I listen to all of her problems.

I think there’s something wrong with me that I can’t maintain friends. My dad says I attract bad people but obviously it all comes back to me. I’m the root of these issues. I wish I could stop existing