In October of last year I got pregnant. It was first pregnancy and It was such a bitter sweet feeling. I was happy to see that I could get pregnant, but I was scared. Scared of the situation with my baby's father (he isn't abusive or anything it was just a strange time for us) I scared of my parent's reaction (they never knew of my pregnancy). My baby's dad left the decision up to me, he was gonna support me with whatever I chose to do. If I wanted to go through with it he would be there and support me and our baby, if I wanted to terminate he would be there and help pay for it. Ultimately I decided to abort. I was so sick from my pregnancy, the fear and anger was heightened by my hormones. It was awful. The only peaceful moments I had was with my baby's father just being with him be it on an errand, or just laying together in bed. If I wasn't with him it was when I was alone in my room talking to my baby, singing to her in secret. It all came to a head when I yelled at my mother telling her things I shouldn't have. 2 days later I saw my baby for the first and last time. She was beautiful and even more than I ever imagined her to be. I even asked for an ultrasound to keep. I didn't hesitate taking the pills though. It was very painful, and I don't think I have ever bled more in such a short time than the next night. 2 weeks went by and I was still very sick, I thought my baby was gone. On my appointment I didn't ask to look during the ultrasound this time because I didn't want to see my empty body. Turns out I wasn't empty. My baby was alive and growing still. I was so proud, but my guilt from hurting my mom the weeks before plagued my heart and while I wanted to beg my mom for help to keep my baby since her survival HAD to mean something....I just couldn't. I couldn't face her. I didn't have it in me to do that, not after what I did. I didn't feel worthy of it. I went back to the clinic 3 days later and had the surgerical. It was by far the most painful thing I have gone through, both mentally and physically. I was give 2 pain meds that both failed, so I felt my daughter being ripped out of me. My body was in agony, I was sobbing and shaking on that table but none of the 4 nurses in the room tried to help me, not eith more medication, not by holding my hand, nothing. They just stood there watching me shake, hearing me cry out in pain while my heart monitor was going off like mad. I felt so alone in a room full of people. I let them take my daughter out of me. They didn't even allow me to see her one more time before the surgerical. My body still aches during my cycle, I walk around feeling an empty space in me where she once was. I should be holding a 2 month old right now.....and I hate everyday that I'm not. My birthday is on mother's day and I felt like a failure, my daughter would've been born on my father's birthday as the first grandchild of the family....I just wish I could take it all back. A whole year....that I should've just allowed to take course without interfering. Maybe then it would've been better....not perfect or easy....but at least I wouldn't feel so alone and ashamed. All I have is an ultrasound of what could've been.