tldr: i have pcos and am running out of time to concieve and cant afford any fertility treatments.

I have been trying to concieve since august 2019. it is now over a year later and the only thing i have to show for it, is a mark on my calendar for october 20th. I fell pregnant (finally!!) in february of this year, before my province fell apart with the pandemic.

when i saw those 2 bright pink lines, i called my fiance. my hands were shaking, i was crying tears of joy. my doctors office was able to get me in pretty much right away, and even in the doctors office, i was able to get another confirmation that yes, indeed i was 4 weeks pregnant. i tracked everything, and i had nicknamed my baby "bean" cause at that stage they are no bigger than a vanilla bean seed.

everything was fine, until a silent miscarriage. i had lost my baby at 6 weeks. there were no warning signs. no blood, no pain. just the level of hcg in my blood dropping to 0 from where it was 2 weeks prior.

i was devastated. i missed work, i had to change my antidepressant dosage. then the pandemic hit, and it hit hard.

a few weeks later, i find out my younger sister is pregnant. im going to have a nephew in december. i should be happy, this is her first child. shes had an easy uncomplicated pregnancy, something i can only dream of, but im not. im livid. i cant be in the same room as her for more than an hour without breaking down, which is hard because we live together.

Ive been trying to get pregnant again, ive been trying to lose weight, trying to eat better, taking more vitamins, speaking to my doctor but nothing has worked.

I should mention that my partner and i are otherwise healthy. he has no fertility issues and aside from PCOS i am prefectly healthy. we are in our early 20's.

Back in august 2019, i recieved the devastating news that if i ever wanted kids, i had roughly 2 years left of my egg reserves to do so, because my ovaries are being smothered by thankfully painless cysts. We started trying right away. we were hopeful, we knew that it wouldnt happen right away and sure enough we did get pregnant! it was a weight off our shoulders.

after the loss, he and i are now simply going through the motions. we are running out of time, the unending tick of the clock is driving us insane, but we cant give up. we know we cant, cause if we dont do this on our own, we wont be able to do it at all. we can afford a baby, we cant afford to put thousands of dollars down on one single round of IVF when we are also in the process of buying a house. we probably will never be able to simply slam 10k on the table at the only fertility clinic in nova scotia.

in the last 8 weeks, ive heard "wait a few more days and test again" 5 times. i havent had a period since august. ive had on and off super light spotting the last 3 days and im terrified to get my hopes up. i feel like the only way my doctor will listen to me now is if i scream and beg for him to do something to help me.

i wish there was a way to know instantly whether or not i was pregnant, from the moment of conception, im so tired and done with waiting. its exhausting and frustrating. my body is failing me as a human being and i have felt nothing but anger and betrayal towards myself, dispite trying my absolute best. ive given up old unhealthy habits, ive gotten in shape, my cycle was text book normal for 6 months, only for this to happen.

im not asking for anything. i just felt that other people might be feeling this hopeless too.

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