I never used to use condoms with my bf. We’ve been together since April 25,2015 (5 1/2ish years) we started having sex in October of 2015. We never used condoms because I was supposedly either infertile or going to have a hard time conceiving, I was in the middle of getting checked for PCOS (I don’t have it) and hypothyroidism (they thought I had this but now my levels are normal so idk). I didn’t get pregnant until June of this year I found out I was pregnant July 23rd. I ended up having a M/C on September 11th.

My first period after M/C just ended on the 12 and I just started my birth control on the 13th. And I’m currently 2days away from my ovulation date. I haven’t bought condoms because it’s only been 4 days since my last bleeding. Anyways last night my BF and I had dinner with friends and family and we were drinking some wine (me) / beer (him). When everyone left today at 1am we went to bed and he wanted to have sex, I did to but a really bad anxiety came over me. I wanted to have sex but didn’t have condoms and my birth control isn’t a reliable contraceptive yet. So I said no and we stopped our kissing and idk he seemed a little off. It all just gave me more anxiety, I want kids but I’m not ready to risk having one now and me having another m/c I’m just not emotionally ready. And then I said no and he went to sleep without hugging me and that made me even more anxious, because I didn’t know if he was mad or what and when I asked he was asleep already. (He’s not the type to force himself on me and he got off the top of me and stopped kissing on me as soon as I said no. He did ask why but he went to sleep right after).

And this might sound dumb but at the same time all the anxiety about not wanting to get pregnant so soon, and not knowing if he got upset (couldn’t ask this morning because he left for work while I was asleep and yes he said goodbye but it was 7:30am and I was very sleepy) I also was anxious because I asked him to marry me on December 31st like 3 weeks ago and he said “it’s not that I don’t want to marry you but I don’t think this year” so my head was just all over the place thinking how is he willing to risk being committed to a potential baby for 18+ years but he doesn’t want to get married when I asked, like he could have said yes but let’s change the date but he didn’t so my head is all over the place. (We started dating when I was 17 so I do think we are still very young since I’m 22 and he’s 24 but still) idk where else to post this and I know this is long but I guess I needed to vent.