I have a neurological disorder that is in the process of being diagnosed. Since apparently the one er diagnosed me with DID. Now whenever I go to any ER since charts are all connected by echart I’m basically laughed at while they “observe”. These are severe dystonic spasms that have made me wet myself twice, torn muscles, and caused partial dislocations. My heart rate and blood pressure shoot up and I have at least 5 official hospital called respiratory code blues. Tests showed how much damage they can do. During a less severe episode than my most recent ones they did a ck which should be a max of 110- mine was 1420. I have had high troponin t levels with them. When I get them my heart rate can exceed 200, and my bp goes from 90/60-100/70 up to as high as 175/110, but the average is 140s/90s. Still way up from normal. They STILL somehow think it’s psychological or somehow I’m doing it to myself... when I’m being monitored non-stop. So I’m left to manage this alone by sacrificing sleep to save diazepam to have enough to stop spasms. One doctor even went so far as to say i was using the er inappropriately to socialize because I was lonely. Yes I missed hanging with my friends who like me to spend time in a hospital which... at this point hospital has become a trigger. I would rather lay on a floor in public somewhere and possibly piss myself than be abused more by medical staff. Not like they do anything besides maybe if I’m lucky will dart me with 5mg if diazepam and give me 5mg oral. I’m prescribed 8mg a day. Obviously I have tolerance. I’m completely depressed that with covid seeing a shrink to officially diagnose the DID and say again no my issues are not psychological I will get no care. The tests show it’s not. You don’t get a ck if 1420 if you are faking spasms. Also how the hell do you observed by doctors and paramedics fake your heart rate doubling in a minute to 200bpm?! I don’t understand it. Last time I was discharged after I sat in the waiting room to “be observed” and I stopped breathing several times. My final vitals were heart rate of 135 and my blood pressure was 128/90- well above my normal and my oxygen 84%. I asked based on that if I was still discharged and was told yes. I left and have vowed to if I have an attack in public I will just lay there taking dose after dose of diazepam and Benadryl until it stops and I’ll be better off than going to ER. I’m also feeling very low tonight. Maybe it’s the untreated UTI getting to my brain. I’m so glad my allergist checked and found the hospital lab refused the sample for culture on Tuesday. They had said to call for results Wednesday. I have CRPS and bladder crystals already causing pain and I can’t take the pain. I’m feeling like self surgery to cut the inaugural muscles is a good idea. My service cat (legal in Canada) is stopping me from acting on these but when you have been told repeatedly by hospitals basically we need the space for someone who is really sick. Besides my friends and animals, sheer me dying is what they all seem to want, so I’ll stick around out of spite. I do feel like that is what they want since I explicitly said x med made me suicidal. They told me oh no it’s not any of the drugs you said that made you suicidal. The pharmacy said more commonly known as x drug I said made me suicidal. Why would you lie about that to a patient who has been suicidal from pain recently a drug she explicitly said makes her suicidal if you aren’t trying to push her over the edge. I don’t trust anyone now. Doctors will have to earn my trust and be able to handle having an adult convo and make a plan not just my plan is to do nothing. I have zero quality of life though. Guess I’m calling the crisis line again tonight. Just when you are bed bound with pain and you KNOW something is wrong and no one will listen... because you have a stigmatized trauma disorder, where do you turn? What can you do? Other than self medicate on a store floor with people staring at and possibly filming me. I had I’m facing medical abuse and neglect now because I have a couple decades of abuse and a trauma disorder from that... I’m denied care. If I was a man who was retired military it would be understood it’s a trauma disorder. The social worker at the ER tried to tell me DID doesn’t exist. It’s only 1% of the population but go off.... but being abused because you were abused and have a trauma disorder media likes to sensationalize is so wrong. I feel so lost and helpless.