And I just need to vent. I’m so overwhelmed. I’m so homesick. I’m so hormonal.

I have vaginismus so it’s nearly impossible for me to have sex. I tried losing my virginity to my bf and it just never works. The first time we ever tried was a special moment for me because it was the first time I whole-heartedly decided it was time for me to do it. It didn’t actually happen, only the tip was in but I still consider that to be my first time because it was the first time any part of someone’s dick was even slightly inside my vagina, ya know? Well it sucked when I brought up that first time the other day and he ..completely did not remember it. It was a huge moment for me and I THOUGHT it was for him too. Faut apparently not. He lost his virginity LONG ago and has a high body count so like I guess I should’ve expected that I’m just another number.

It also hurt when he didn’t remember our anniversary.

It also hurt when he forgot that we have the same favorite color which was one of the cutest moments from when we first started dating. He was guessing colors and finally chose the right one (burgundy, not very common) and he said it was his favorite color too. That hurt when he forgot.

It also hurt when he forgot the first time i said “I love you.”

It also hurts when he says we’ll have sex eventually and we’ll make it work but literally never initiates ever. Ever. Imso sick of feeling like I’m always initiating. Imso sick of him saying it’s important to him but I guess not important enough for him to actually take the initiative and go for it. And then I tell him how I feel and he gets beyond defensive and angry and always has to turn it into an argument instead of just a conversation I’m trying to have where I talk about my feelings.

Finally I am so sick of me. I am so sick of getting hormonal and sensitive and homesick and lost as fuck every time my period comes around. And knowing that anytime I’m off my period he never tries to have sex with me, and then when I’m on my period all he says is “I can’t wait til you’re off your period so we can have sex.” And yet when I’m off my period..nothing. Of course I can initiate but that defeats the whole purpose. The reason I’m upset is because he doesn’t show enough interest in initiating so I’m tired of it. And now knowing this whole week we’re gonna go without having sex at all because it’s that time of the month. And last night trying to do it (I of course initiated) only for him to come before we could attempt to put it in and me getting discouraged. Not only because we don’t have sex but also because I never orgasm and he never cares to try and get me there. I can guarantee that if I came within 1 minute of dry humping, I’d at LEAST give him a handjob to finish HIM too because itsso fucking shitty to only give and give and give and never be satisfied myself and tell him that I’m never satisfied and him getting sensitive “are you trying to tell me that wasn’t fun for you? What the fuck it seemed like you were having fun.” Of course it’s fun but DAMN, getting so turned on and so close to coming only for you to finish instantly and then NEVER help me finish is...exhausting. I’m always horny because I never come. And you never cède to help. And I ALWAYS tell you this and you NEVER do anything no matter how many times I say it bothers me. Because instead you get all defensive and say “well FiNe I just won’t come anymore!!” Like what a childish thing to say when I’m trying to have an adult conversation. And of course after last night I was just hurt that I didn’t come again and you didn’t offer to help me finish so it’s just another night where I’m horny and we didn’t have sex and my period would be starting the next day so that means a whole other week of no sex and no coming. It gets tiring. And I tried to say that in the nicest way possible to not upset you and you STILL got upset and offended so I drove back to my place at 4:30am that is now completely empty because I’m supposed to be moving in with you in two weeks. So I slept alone and woke up 4 hours later and I’ve felt sick and anxious all day long and my period started and I’m lonely and you’re not texting me to ask if I’m coming back to you. As if I didn’t already feel insanely unwanted from all of the past events.