Well it happened. The very thing I’ve tried my entire life to avoid. An unplanned pregnancy.

Today is our 4 year wedding anniversary and I just found out I’m pregnant. Again.

I am just shy of 6 months postpartum, having gone through <a href="https://glowing.com/glow-fertility-program">IVF</a> to have my one and only son. I don’t even have a period yet and am still breastfeeding (exclusively pumping). I went off BC in 2018 after being on it for 15 years, and my husband and I tried for about 1.5 years before seeing a specialist and were told our best chance was <a href="https://glowing.com/glow-fertility-program">IVF</a> as I had PCOS from the birth control and he had some sperm motility issues. Our <a href="https://glowing.com/glow-fertility-program">IVF</a> worked on the first try and had very little setbacks. I almost died during childbirth due to severe hemorrhaging and had to have a blood transfusion and 2 bags of plasma.

We pretty much knew we were done trying, but we weren’t 100% sure and were holding onto the embryos. I went on BC for the first couple months then I stopped taking it and just tried to be careful. I thought I was fairly safe given my history of fertility issues and the fact that I didn’t have a period and was breastfeeding. I know breastfeeding isn’t birth control (CLEARLY) but I thought I’d have at least some inkling I was going to become fertile instead of it happening out of nowhere.

About 6 weeks or so ago, I had what I assumed was some EWCM (didn’t know for sure as I’ve literally never seen or had true EWCM) and I had told my husband we should probably lay off having sex for a bit. I suppose that was too late. I’m not really sure how far along I am because as I said, I haven’t had a period in over a year, so 6 weeks along is my best guess because I really don’t remember how long ago it’s been since I saw that discharge and I can’t scroll through all the texts to find the convo w/exact date.

I have been feeling like absolute shit all week, and have been sick to my stomach and very tired and gassy. My first pregnancy was a breeze, so I’ve never experienced morning sickness or any kind of pre-pregnancy symptom and I don’t even have a period to miss so I really didn’t expect a positive test. I only took a test because I wanted to ease my mind (HA!) fully expecting it to be negative. I took it this evening and it was glowingly positive, pregnancy line showed up instantly and was almost a dye-stealer.

Happy anniversary to us.....

I know I shouldn’t be surprised, but I never ever thought I’d be in this position. Not only are we not ready in pretty much every single way, my body shouldn’t be putting itself through this again so soon, and after all I went through during the last birth. My upbringing says I should go through with this, but everything inside of me says not to. I’m so upset at myself. After so long trying to avoid this exact situation, I just never imagined this would be me, and that I would be having to choose. I’m sick about it. And to top it off, I can’t talk to anyone other than my husband about this... which is why I’m posting here.

I know people will shit on me for this, and that’s okay, I’m doing more than enough of that myself. I know it’s a very “what did you expect” scenario and if I was someone else reading this I’d think the same thing... But for any of you who can understand or could empathize with my situation, if you’re willing to talk, I’d be really appreciative of anyone who can relate.