Despondent

So between all of my million of apps I'm anywhere between 7 dpo and 9 dpo. I am feeling so despondent. I feel the rage of AF coming along with a low and hard cervix. After 6 months TTC and chemical after chemical I am so mentally exhausted. I can't do opk because I am obsessive to a fault. I will stress myself out of having a baby. My lower back cramps are painful, my mind is everywhere and I'm so tired of trying. I have two beautiful boys with another man and my husband is DESPERATE for his own. I feel like I'm failing him. My kids keep asking if I'm having a baby yet. My mom keeps asking. My friends keep asking. And I'm just sad tonight.