Any hospice workers?

TW: death. In these photos you will see someone physically declining but they aren’t brutal. They are not in order but I think you can tell what pics came first.

This is super personal but I figure why not share and get some input.

When my grandmother was dying, well let’s just start that we knew she was dying for 7 months.

My mom worked full time and asked me to stay with her as she declined. She fell and busted her head open one day BADLY and I found her like that and had to get her up and take her to the ER because she was on blood thinners and my mom was like oh hell quit your job and stay with my mom. So that’s what I did.

This meant a lot of one on one time. She had stage 4 pancreatic cancer and had a huge mass on it.

She had a lot of questions about death and the process of dying. She would call the doctor and the doctor could tell her kinda what to expect but told us that every single person was different and he couldn’t tell her exactly how it would go down.

She had ALOT of anxiety about what dying would be like. She would sit and get very upset so I would say “I’m not going to let you be alone. I won’t let you be in pain. I’ll be right here.” Which I think brought her SOME comfort, I mean she was dying and I have no idea what that’s like. We talked about how death isnt a bad thing, and that it’s okay to die. We had hours worth of conversation about that.

I kept my word. When she started to decline she started losing strength in her neck so her head would fall over to the side and it caused those muscles to be pissed and cramp up which caused pain so I would sit with her and rub her neck and shoulders and loosen them up. She was unable to speak at this point but cooed and shook her head yes if I asked if It felt better. She would say “oooooh” when id get her neck muscles to release. I somehow knew when she was in pain. She was very confused for a minute and it was like trying to communicate with a toddler (i do not mean that in a bad way, her ability to communicate was declining and that’s a part of it) and she would be beckoning for something and my mom couldn’t figure it out. I would tell my mom “shes in pain and needs her morphine.” And she would coo approvingly and rest and then get her morphine. Or I would know if she was having anxiety (also a part of it) and needed her Xanax. I did this until she went into a coma.

The babies had been born the month she was diagnosed terminal. They would be the last grand babies she would know to be born in her life. She was very very attached to them

. She told me that when she could no longer ask, that I still needed to bring them to her so I did. (I just want to add that the girl with the blue eyeshadow is the twins mom and she was also there for everything and this woman is my SISTER now blood or not. She held me after her death.)

I did that until the very end. She was unable to talk in the photos above but smiled and kissed at them.

When she was actively dying. I’m talking about the last moments, when breathing slows.

The entire family surrounding her, me holding her hand and telling her it was okay to go.

I felt like she was holding on for something literally fighting like hell. So I said “bring me a baby.”

I sat a baby in my lap and my niece let her presence known. Reached for our Mema and cooed.

Her whole body seemed to relax, and she took her last breath. Everyone said “no she’s not done.” And I said “I’m telling you, she’s gone. The babies were all she wanted.” And I kissed her on her forehead and got up. They checked for a pulse and she did not have one. My heart felt at peace. (I want to explain this part. I felt peace because I knew she was no longer in a body that was hurting.) The entire room was staring at me.

Everyone from my family to the hospice workers were telling me that this may be my calling. The hospice workers saw me care for her like feed her water through a straw and put chapstick on her and basically groom her.

My aunt.. my aunt is pretty much a public figure and she personally knows the head of hospice in our state who was there at my grandmas passing. This woman told me that I had a gift, and then family was telling me I had a gift of knowing what can’t be seen or heard. One of my elders said “I have watched a lot of loved ones pass on. But what you did, I have never witnessed anything like that. It was incredible.”

I don’t know if those last things are possible. But now that a few months have passed I am really thinking about working for hospice.

ETA thank you for all the kind words I feel dumb for some reason going to thank every person individually but know that I am thankful for the kindness and definitely will look into becoming a hospice worker because it’s heavy on my mind and heart

I just found this picture on my sisters wall. It shows her light. I would rather her be seen in this way, holding the grandchildren she loves than the photos above of her declining.

This is when she was doing very well and had no signs of the cancer