My roommate tried to fight me over laundry

TL/DR: I (28) have two female roommates, J(23) and A(19). J seems to have a personal issue with me, wherein she makes passive aggressive / boarder-line offhand bullying comments, gets uncontrollably mad when I do something that mildly inconveniences her (like dirtying the kitchen) and gets passive aggressive revenge.  I’ve put up with this for months patiently and calmly, but I blew my fuse when she took my stuff out of the dryer wet to do more of A’s laundry, and threw a bunch of laundry and tide pods (belonging to A). Next to the washer.  J told A about this and A tried to physically fight me over laundry detergent ‘getting dirty’ on the floor.  I told A she has until Dec 1 to get out.

Some backstory.  I and my boyfriend are renting a 3 bedroom house.  Since we are only using one bedroom, we decided to rent out the other two to some people offline, of the lease. The first one we found was J.  She’s sweet, a kind person, and we all got along from the start.  I have two bigger dogs, while she has a small unneutered male (one of the white crusty-eyed dogs).  We had another roommate that moved out in October, so we got another person to replace her, A.  Everything has been going well since Feb with J, except that her unneutered male dog is food aggressive, and pees on literally everything in the house.  I came to J several times and asked if she could control him peeing in the house, and even bought diapers for him when she couldn’t control him.  She puts the diapers on him randomly, leaving him free to pee all over everything I own most of the time; couches, shoes, backpacks, our laundry basket is a daily target.  I have brought this to her attention, but she brushes it off or would make comments about how me telling her her dog peed on my stuff annoys her. So I stopped telling her and started cleaning all the pee up myself.  This has been going on for months, and not once did I lose my shit.  Everything smells like pee no matter how much I clean it.

I am a fairly calm person and it takes a lot to make me truly mad.  I try to be as understanding as possible, and can understand why his peeing is hard to control.  J suffers with depression, ptsd, and extreme self esteem issues (she is overweight and literally hates herself because of this).  I try to take that into account for why she’s acting the way she is.     

In the last month or so, J has started doing passive aggressive things to ‘get back’ at me for doing benign things that annoy her, for example she was sweeping one day and the dogs were outside, barking and harassing the neighbor’s cats.  I let the dogs in which obviously they ran across the floor she was sweeping, but I put them immediately in their crates.  She threw the broom down on the floor where she stood and started loudly doing the dishes.  I bathed her dog once because they all went outside and got filthy, but apparently you’re supposed to brush him afterwards, so she threw flour into the sink of the kitchen I just deep cleaned, leaving it to become a glue there.  I went into the dryer and half pulled some of her stuff out to get one of her dog’s diapers since his was dirty and forgot to push them back into the dryer, so she slammed every door in the kitchen.  I hate passive aggressive stuff like this and think it is very toxic and detrimental to my mental health.

We talked about this and agreed we needed to be more understanding of each other.  She hasn’t done any of the revenge things she did before, but now it seems like she just dislikes me as a person.  She does small, passive aggressive things to me that if I pointed them out, she could easily say I’m just being crazy/overanalyzing things.  Examples include: labeling all her stuff in the kitchen (we often use each other’s stuff and it’s never been a problem)  I’m guessing because I ‘used’ her coffee (I made her coffee every morning for a week since I’m up earlier) and made myself separate decaf.  But I guess she thinks I drank all her coffee so she needs to label everything.  She was talking to her boyfriend on speaker and I said something to him, to which she immediately plugged her headphones in.  Many sarcastic comments about how I’m ‘too hard’ on the dogs (my dogs have rules they follow unlike hers), that I’m a ‘know-it-all’, comments about me making more money than her.  It seems like anytime I try to talk to her it leads to a disagreement (even if it’s about something silly like a video I’m watching), she flat out ignores me, or she acts like I’m annoying her for some reason.

A came here mid October and I haven’t really had a problem with her other than the fact that she is literally always high and leaves all her stuff just strewn about the house.  That doesn’t really bother me but it is a bit annoying.

So last Thursday, A had 5 giant baskets of laundry she wanted to do, she would put one in but then go to sleep or go to work, so I was moving them along and got 3 done.  I wanted to clean up the house and wash the dog beds and some sheets, so I did just that.  I come out later to find the dog bed that I was drying on top of the dryer still wet.  J had taken it out to do yet another load of A’s laundry (because apparently she’s incapable of doing her own).  This was the last straw.  I took all of A’s clothes out of the washer and dryer still wet, put them in her basket, washed the other half of the dog bed, dried them all, and then put all of A’s wet laundry on top of the washer.  A’s tide pods were on the dining room table, even though there is a space for them in the washing closet they are always for some reason on the table, so I threw them in between the washer and dryer.   I know none of this is really A’s fault, but it was Julie who did it and had to clean it up.  So I gave her a tiny taste of her own medicine after dealing with this for months.

J told A I ‘threw her tide pods all over the floor’ (not true as it was in between the washer and dryer but I digress) So last night A confronted me about that, very aggressively and confrontational.  I told her that really wasn’t about her, she wasn’t having it, started DEMANDING that I replace the bag (none came out of the bag, they were fine and she wouldn’t have known if J hadn’t told her).  I told her I was not going to do that.  She started calling me a bitch, telling me that ‘and adult would own up and apologize’ and asked me ‘how old are you’.  By this point she was screaming and getting in my face.  I told her she needed to lower her voice with me, I think she probably screamed back that I wasn’t going to tell her what to do or something. The word bitch was used quite a bit.  She threatened to fight me over this because I was ‘being a bitch’, to which I replied she needs to be out of my house by Dec 1st.  She started saying that I can’t evict her because of corona, I said she has no lease so that doesn’t apply.  She doesn’t have any lease whatsoever and according to my lawyer, she has no rights to the place.  She said her mom went to law school, she’ll get lawyers and call the cops. My bf got in between us during this since she was literally trying to fight me.  She kept screaming in my face, so I raised my finger to point at her and she launched into attack, luckily my boyfriend backed her into a corner.  She punched him a bunch, scratched his back, and tore his shirt. All the while screaming that I ‘put my hand up to punch her first’ (mind you, she had literally put her fist up in punching position at least 3 times before this and I did nothing)  I took pictures as evidence.

I would’ve called the cops, but my boyfriend is black and I cannot risk him getting hurt because of this psycho.  I told her she is to be out by noon Dec 1, I will change the locks and throw her stuff out if she doesn’t remove it herself by then.  If she tries to start another fight with me, I’ll probably let her get a few good swings, call the cops, and press charges to get her out sooner.

My bf, A, and J all talked after wards and A and J told my bf that I am a completely different person when my bf isn’t around, that I’m a huge bitch when he’s not around and nice when he is.  If anything, I probably am more reserved when he’s not around because I feel so uncomfortable with how J has been treating me, but I haven’t done anything to her and my only problems with her are her dog peeing everywhere and her now apparent dislike of me.  I could hear J telling A not to feel bad for all the shit that just happened, and they were talking and laughing so it’s apparent she’s choses A’s side in this.

So yeah.  I’m pretty sure I’m not the asshole here but.. yeah.