Hi ladies! Since finding out that I’m pregnant with my first, I’ve been at an emotional and logical crossroads of sorts. Since my husband and I started trying, I have been fairly certain that I want to have a home birth.

We met with the midwife in our area - she is very experienced, licensed, and practices with 100% informed consent. I began filling out her paperwork, and ultimately got pretty spooked by the fact that she doesn’t carry liability insurance, and should anything happen to the baby, it will essentially just be my fault and as it so kindly pointed out in the paperwork, I will have to bear that personal guilt and shame for the rest of my life. I get that those are just facts, but it’s pretty hard to read after trying for so long to get pregnant.

I set up an appointment with the OBGYN who removed my endometriosis, and while it’s such a relief to see the fetus developing and hear a healthy heart rate, the doctor’s office and affiliated hospital are 2+ hours away from our home. I wait for over an hour after arriving, I’m seen for maybe 10 minutes, and of course due to COVID protocol, my husband can not attend the appointments with me. I don’t feel that I receive exceptional care, as my OBGYN neglected to check my thyroid levels for nearly the entire first trimester, even though I asked for lab work and she has been aware of my levels being sub clinical, but out of optimal range for a healthy pregnancy. In addition, she has made it clear that she won’t be delivering the baby, that my birth and labor process will be handled by a randomly assigned team, and that because my medication sensitivities aren’t “true allergies,” I will likely be given them against my will via IV out of medical necessity (even though Morphine and Zofran have almost killed me).

My mom is a nurse practitioner, and she has been overly vocal about wanting to “kick the doula’s ass” whenever my husband and I discuss hiring the licensed certified midwife. I spoke to my mom on the phone yesterday about wanting to go with the midwife because I wasn’t satisfied with the care I’ve received from my OBGYN, and she started screaming and going on about me being an idiot for not wanting to deliver in a hospital/not wanting a doctor to monitor my pregnancy. I kept trying to tell her that the midwife is licensed and certified, and that she works with doctors if she needs to, and my mom just wouldn’t listen and hung up on me.

I’m a first time mom - am I absolutely crazy for wanting a natural home birth free of drugs and unnecessary medical intervention with a certified midwife? I am literally traumatized from almost dying in the hospital due to negligence and being overdosed on pain meds while waiting for surgery, and I’m terrified that if I deliver in the hospital, I won’t make it. I coded alone in a room full of doctors while they freaked out, pumped me full of heart medication, and exclaimed “I’m out of my depths here.” I understand that birth and labor are incredibly natural parts of life, and I am not afraid of the physical pain. I am afraid of being given drugs against my consent and being hooked up to an IV while I give birth. That being said, I want what is best for my baby, and I don’t want to put him or her in danger because I’m afraid of dying in the hospital.

Any ideas or opinions on which route I should take? My husband is incredibly supportive of having a home birth, but my mom can’t wrap her mind around why I would do such a thing. I’m torn between what I want to do and what is socially normal and acceptable, but need to make a decision within the next couple of weeks. Any input will help tremendously!!! Thank you so much for your help.