Two months on....
Two months ago I made a post about how I pretty much ruined my own life because of an addiction I've been fighting for several years & how my SO who knew I had an addiction put ALOT of money into my account to hold onto, even though he knew I was recovering & I ended up gambling it.
When I told him you can imagine that it ended very badly & the whole apartment complex heard everything he said. He kicked me out, along with all my things & the cat.
Fast forward to the present & SO and I are back together, we talked alot about what happened & we still are. I'm 100% to blame for EVERYTHING, I am the one who made very bad choices. He has taken responsibility for putting such a large sum of temptation in my face & I'm currently paying him back & will have before next year ends.
We still fight, he always brings up the amount & how much it's hurt him and I understand. I tell him to speak to someone to learn more about the disease & to just reach out to someone who can relate and offer him advice.
When we broke up I never thought we would get back together, I thought we were done and I knew at that point, this would be the time that I would be able to go that one step further and make progress in my recovery.
I started speaking to a psychologist & it has been one of my best decisions. I've had alot of breakthrough & been able to deal with some demons that have haunted me for a long time. Internally I feel like I can breathe, that this burden I've felt about being broken that weighed me down got lifted.
I realised that I was no longer a little kid having to face Freddy from Elm Street, but I was an intelligent, capable & wise adult who could just accept and let go of the past. Let go of all those things that have caused me to use this addiction as an escape. I'm not out of the woods yet, I'm still digging deep and I have one more session before the year is out. But for the first time in years I'm looking forward to the future. I've always believed that I would always be miserable and that there wasn't really anything out there for me, who could love me when I couldn't love me. It's a brand new day though & I have hope for me.
I hope that anyone who is struggling with addiction finds courage in this post to get help.
I'm doing my best to fight this & SO is the only one who is supporting me. My family want me to get help but no one has really checked in on me to see how I'm doing & im trying not to let that upset me cause I let go of the fact that I don't care if they think I'm a failure cause I've accepted that I am, I failed myself and I failed everyone else and that's the bottom line. That what I'm doing now is for me and my future.
I hope this has encouraged someone.