Last year after being a week late, I took a test and found out I was pregnant. At the beginning of our relationship, my boyfriend expressed that he didn't want children. He said it was up to me, but I knew what his true feelings toward the situation were. At first I didn't think I'd have the money to have an abortion, so I slowly accepted that I was going to be a mother. I quit smoking, went to my first ultrasound, and even started wondering if it was a boy or girl. Suddenly things began to change for us. We couldn't make rent and were about to be evicted. We had to find a shitty apartment on a rough side of town for $275. It didn't even have a stove or fridge, and we didn't have enough to turn utilities on yet. I finally reached out to his mother and she volunteered to pay for it. So I went. I chose the pill so that I could be at home as I was already pretty afraid. It took me over a month to stop bleeding finally.

Lately I've been regretting the decision. I find myself missing that joyful feeling of being pregnant. I kept track of how old my baby would've been. Every time someone announces a pregnancy or gives birth, my heart sinks a little. Even still, I know it was the right choice.

It took us 2 months after we moved to get heat. The window in our bedroom was broken, there were spaces in the windows and doors, it was just no place for a baby. There are train tracks so close that our windows rattle. One night after about a month of living there, we came back to our kitchen flooded due to a faulty water heater. Even now, we can only heat 1 room at a time. We're still struggling. It would've been miserable for our baby

So why does it make me so sad that I did it? Why do I hate so much that I don't have my little one with me?