What do I do if I think my friend is in a toxic relationship?

Question

*trigger warning. So.... I’m a seventeen year old girl and I’m really worried about a friend of mine (just turned 18). We’re seniors in high school and we’ve been close since we were like 10. She’s always struggled with mental health and  and I’ve always tried hard  to support her, but recently she’s said a lot of stuff that’s really stung and the more I think about it the more I feel like I’m enabling her self-destructive tendencies. About a year ago she started dating a guy (she met at a support group for high school and college age kids with depression. (He was 22 then, 23 now.) Her parents sent her after she cut herself worse than she meant to and panicked because she was bleeding a lot, called me, and I had to calm her down and tell her mom to take her to the ER. She had stopped cutting for a while but apparently that was a really bad night. When she met this guy she was starting to recover, but was still in a really vulnerable place. He was a junior in college and said he was going to meet school afterwards, but still lived at home with his parents (not standard for students at his college.)  She was still seventeen and on top of her mental illness didn’t have a driver’s license, had never had a job, and had failed a bunch of her classes junior year and wasn’t sure she’d be able to graduate in time. I tried to talk her out of it but she was dead set on starting a relationship with him. A couple weeks later she called me all excited saying she’d lost her virginity to him (without protection) then she stopped talking to me and her other friends all together and started skipping classes.  Now she’s trying to talk to our friend group again as if nothing ever happened, at first she said if he got her pregnant they’d agreed that they wouldn’t get an abortion because they were both “catholic and therefore pro-life” (she was always a practicing catholic, but always staunchly pro-choice and always said she never ever wanted kids for as long as I can remember) but now she’s actively trying to get pregnant. Any time anyone tries to talk her about her relationship she lashes out at them. Apparently her older sister asked her to at least use protection and she isn’t talking to her any more, and the last time I told her I didn’t think it was a good idea to trust this guy she just told me I was “jealous because I’m just an ugly virgin who thinks I’m better than everyone else.” Now every time I’m around her she says things like that to hurt me. What should I do? I’m trying to block her out, and I just got into my top college out of state, so I figure I can cut her off and once I graduate I’ll probably never have to see her again. I’m just worried that something will happen to her and I’ll blame myself for not doing anything. Does anyone older and a little wiser have some insight?

Answer

I think you’re being a good friend for caring & trying to talk to her despite her lashing out on anyone who gives her a opinion. You do have to realize tho you can’t change a person & you can’t force a person to see things how you or everyone else sees them. Let her make her own mistakes she’ll realize on her own. When you’re dealing with people like that you have to let them go through the experience themselves. You can’t save everyone. As for you , you should be proud of yourself and just focus on you and college. You can’t blame yourself for anything that happens to her or what she does. The more you try to tlk to her clearly the more shes gonna get upset and call you names. The first time she even made a comment like that to me I would’ve been like oooop bitch you on ur own .. so you’re def better than me for dealing with that bullshit. As you said she’s in a very vulnerable place still & she’s probably just looking for someone/something to distract her or numb her from her reality. She prob thinks this guy rn is her lord & savior but hey 🤷‍♀️. I’d say have one last convo with her tell her how you feel & how much you care about her and how you just want her to be careful and prioritize what’s more important which is school and herself. If you get a negative response leave it alone and just move on. Like you said you’re leaving anyways. You don’t need anyone in your life that speaks to you like that just for caring abt them and stating the obvious. You can only try so hard. She cut her sister off just for saying use protection so I know for sure its clearly nothing for her to cut u off too.

Answer

The first thing that I’m going to tell you is that you were not responsible for her mental health, she is responsible for her own. Do not feel guilty, and do not feel obligated, do not feel any of those things that you are feeling. She is responsible for her actions, she is responsible for her choices, and if she decides to make bad choices, that is her bed that she has the lay in. She is going to do as she darn well places, unfortunately no one can talk her out of it, the more you try and talk her out of it the more you push her towards it, she’s in a rebellious state that she feels she needs to prove everyone wrong about this guy, on the contrary it’s going to bite her in the ass, I was that girl that they did the piece of shit, I had two miscarriages, he used me for everything under the sun. In my eyes that man farted rainbows. He could do no wrong, he was a piece of shit, he was sleeping with half our town, he couldn’t keep a job, he was bipolar, he grew up in the system, he told that same sob story to Everywoman, he could charm the pants off anyone, and he literally did￼. I even walked in on him twice, and I still stay. He was my escape from reality, he knew I wasn’t going anywhere, he knew that he could get away with murder, loneliness and desperation, I stayed, you knew I didn’t wanna be alone and that I would tolerate whatever and he use that to his advantage, he was irresponsible, neglectful, he never paid for anything, he wasn’t in love with me was in love with my bank account. Those miscarriages were a blessing in disguise that I never had to deal with him ever again. I wasn’t meant to have kids with him. I have a similar history like your friend, my father died when I was four, I had a “father figure” from six until 16, I was sexually abused by two people when I was young, I was introduced to sex at a very young age, I became an alcoholic by the age of 12, to burry what happened￼. I went for man to man to man to try and fill a void that was left on my father, and when my father figure disappeared, I stripped, I had every eating disorder under the sun from childhood, I cut myself, I went through a weird anti-hair phase in fifth grade that I shave my head and every ounce of body hair or plucked it out of my body, I burned myself, I cut myself I stripped, I was a dominatrix, I basically have done everything under the sun, I was a self-destructive as a God, but no one knew I hid it well. I could drinking entire bottle of vodka and go to school and no one even knew. No one knew that I was cutting myself that I had eating disorders etc. no one even knew that I was pregnant. I was 4 1/2 and 2 1/2 months pregnant no one even knew. No one knew that I had miscarriages, my mother was never around yet alone there for me in anyway shape or form emotionally mentally, she was my bully, which was why I never wanted to be home. When I was 22 my rock-bottom was getting the crap beaten out of me by a gang member for six months, I healed from that by becoming a dominatrix, I know it’s the most unorthodox way, but it gave me a sense of healing, it was liberating, gave me a sense of control when I felt out of control, it gave me confidence, And self-esteem, I never had sex with them, but it was the control that I needed. I can’t remember when I was 16 I was mentally a vegetable I would stare at the popcorn ceiling for hours after a stalker had messed me up mentally￼. Your friend isn’t gonna learn unfortunately until she hits rock-bottom just like me, you can tell her everything under the sun and she’s not gonna listen, she wants to prove everyone wrong that he’s a good guy, when he’s a piece of shit. There was nothing anyone could say to me about my ex, they didn’t know they didn’t know what they were talking about, etc. for five years I tolerated his bullshit. I took a year to heal and work on myself inside and out, I drop 95 pounds that I gained between pregnancies and miscarriages and eating out every single night, I worked on myself inside and out, and I truly healed, I for gave those that hurt me, I for gave myself, I did some intense work on myself. I’m 42 now and I’m finally in a good place mentally, I’m dating someone who is a lawyer, and when your self-esteem rises, you choose better quality men, when your self-esteem is down in the dumps, you settle for whatever crap will have you. Of course when you are down in the dumps anything looks like a ray of light to you. Unfortunately you’re better off alone than a bad company with this friend, eventually either she’ll come back, when she’s cleaned up her act, but in the meantime don’t allow her to drag you down. Do not feel guilty, you’re not abandoning her, she is in this wrapped up world of tia guy, and nothing you say or do to change that until she decides that she’s had enough￼￼. Or he breaks up with her. But I got a feeling it will be a vicious cycle back-and-forth and he will do the minimum while she does the maximum and make her feeling like she’s not enough and be manipulative and controlling etc. Unfortunately you can’t help those who don’t wanna help themselves. Just like with any addiction, they have to want it for themselves, ultimatums, you name it do not work, they have to want it for themselves when they hit their own rock-bottom. I wish you luck in the future.  Focus on yourself, focus on your happiness, focus on your school, do better, make better choices, unfortunately life is like a revolving door, some people stay inside and keep spending with you, and some people exit, you’ll probably go through relationships and friends and enemies even in life, you can’t control who comes in or out, but you can control who stays with you. And at this point you’re better off alone than a bad company with this friend she seems very toxic and you don’t want her to bring you down by you being in the wrong place at the wrong time.￼￼

Answer

Let her learn the hard way. She's legally an adult.  You are not. It's not your responsibility to "save" her and some people won't listen until they crash and burn. I'd distance yourself from her though. She sounds wishy washy and deluded right now.

What do I do if I think my friend is in a toxic relationship?

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