Bad mom?

Question

So, I hate to say it but I'm starting to feel like a bad mom. My husband and I have 2 boys (4yrs and 17months) and I am currently about 8 weeks pregnant (hoping this little bean sticks).
Anyhow, my husband and I had a plan...
-For our second son, my husband would work and I would stay home for the first year or so and then I would go back to work and we use daycare.
-Well, fast forward to present time and neither of our boys have been in daycare since March 2020 due to covid and I am basically a full time stay at home mom but I also try and do some of the accounting and busy/boring stuff at the business my husband and I own. 
-I thought I could do it all. Take care of our boys 24/7, be pregnant, take the boys to work with me and get my duties done at work, keep the house clean, take care of our dog, etc etc.
-But I was wrong...I am drowning and feeling like a failure.
-Our 4 year old is amazing and if it was just him I am confident that I could do everything I want to do. But our 17 month old is difficult at times. He's a great kid and always makes me laugh but he is so clingy and bullies our 4 year old and just doesn't listen. He cries when he doesn't get his way, he takes toys away from his brother, he throws toys sometimes, tv doesn't keep him occupied for long, and he just requires so much more than our 4 year old ever did.
-I am trying my best to be a good mother but I'm tired. I just want to feel normal again and be able to get some stuff done without having to stop every 10 minutes to break up a fight with the boys or to comfort my 17month old because he's upset I am not paying attention to him and doing the dishes, or the laundry, or whatever. 
-It doesn't help that I'm still breastfeeding and this pregnancy is draining me of all energy. And on top of that my 17month us is a crappy napper, doesn't sleep great at night, and likes to wake up at 5:30‐6am
-My husband helps a good deal so I can't complain much on that aspect.
-I just want to put our boys in daycare for 2 days a week but it's costly and covid makes it scary.
-I am just so tired and over this. I don't even want to think of how it will be when/if I give birth to our new member of the family 😭

Answer

My kids are 12, 8&4 my 4yo bullies both of them. Your son is going into terrible 2's unfortunately but don't feel bad about needing a break. Put them in daycare part-time 2-3 days a week. You have to allow yourself time to breathe. Maybe it's time to wean your baby off because breastfeeding and pregnant can cause contractions. I know you are still early.

Answer

Okay first off, take a breath and remind yourself that you are a GOOD mom! You are not a failure, you just can't do everything! Being a full time mom to two babies is hard, and takes a lot of work and patience. You are also growing a new human which takes a ton of your energy. Give yourself a break. You need some extra help in at least one aspect of your life to make this easier, someone else to do your business' office work, a neighborhood teenager or family member to watch the kids for a couple hours a week, a maid service once a week to do the bulk of the house cleaning. It doesn't have to cost a fortune. You need help, and that's okay. Even if you're beautifully symptom-free for your first trimester, you still need more rest than you used to. See where your budget and resources hit a sweet spot and get yourself some help. I wish you lots of luck, and hope your pregnancy is successful!

Answer

I think you are the best mom ever! We all go through these things dont you worry about that! Im a stay at home mom and have been for the past 3 years with just 1 toddler..i do feel like im not doing my best sometimes especially when i see other moms who have 2 or more children and are working full time jobs but when i look at my happy little girl and how she loooves spending time with me i forget it all!

Answer

Ummm same. Some days are great, some days are ok and we make it. Other days are downright disastrous (1-2 a week most of the time, honestly). Today was one of those days. I cried a few times and lost my cool a few too. I have an almost 3 year old, my 15 mo who is still nursing 3 times a day, and am very newly pregnant (4 weeks tomorrow). Thankfully I feel good other than some serious fatigue, especially mid-day and when I have to get up in the morning 😵 I’m so thankful for the privilege to stay home (2 1/2 years and counting, no side job like you) and I absolutely adore my kids! But sometimes I just need a small chunk of time where I’m not rushing and no one needs me and I can think clearly in peace and quiet about WHATEVER I want 😬 my husband leaves right after the kids get up in the morning and is never home before supper, rarely home at supper, and usually home after I’ve started bedtime (sometimes as late as midnight). We live 5 hrs away from our closest family (two of his sisters with families of their own) and 500 to 2800 miles from the rest of his and any of mine. We have some wonderful friends, but many are working or have their own families to worry about, so we rarely have any sort of help or babysitting going on (maybe a couple hours once every 2-6 months). I want to be home with my kids and I want them home with me, but sometimes I just can’t take the constant fighting and screaming and crying and neediness and my husband’s 6 day, 70+ hour weeks. To top that off, we’ve been quarantined for 2 weeks, making sure we don’t have Covid and accidentally expose anyone. I’m DONE today! You aren’t alone. It’s a lot.

Answer

Honestly its because youre doing too much. Being a stay home mom is more than a FT job. My husband is a stay home dad to our 2 kids and he often gets overwhelmed without having work duties also. Somewhere along the way we bought the lie we're supposed to do EVERYTHING. Often it leaves people overwhelmed, anxious, short fused, grumpy, moody, guilt ridden, stretched thin. We cant be everything to all people. You just need to prioritize and work out a game plan with your husband. It also doesnt help we're all stuck at home. I have a 2 and 4 year old and we're all stir crazy.

Answer

I agree- you’re amazing! Also, I’m here in solidarity. I have a 3.5, 1.5, and 3 month old. My 3.5 is HORRIBLE 😩 I’ve tried everything with her- mostly gentle parenting/whole brain parenting and it’s just makes it worse. She is so emotional and horrible to everyone and I feel like a failure because I have no idea why she is so miserable all the time (except that we follow COVID precautions very seriously and all of her social interactions have stopped). Then my 1.5 is a TORNADO. He destroys everything in his path and has a temper. The baby is perfect ❤️ it’s hard, but you can do it! Pick your priorities and vent if you need to. We’re here to listen!

Answer

Could you afford to hire a high school or college student for a few hours a week? Let you get some work done?

Answer

HON-NEY you are not a failure!!! You are a QUEEN! You’re doing the job of many, to keep your family afloat!! It’s hard. SO hard. I have a job that I work from home, a 5 month old, and three other kids doing distance learning, and some days I swear I want to run screaming into the woods!! This shit is hard in normal circumstances-not to mention a pandemic. If putting those babies in daycare is what will help you keep the most important person in their world sane and operating at the highest caliber-you do that!!! Tour some daycares, check out their safety protocols. You will find one you’re comfortable with. ❤️

Answer

I have a 5yo in kindergarten, a 22mo in daycare full time while I go to work, and pregnant with #3. IM drowning, and you're doing more then me. This parenting thing isn't easy, especially when you're outnumbered. Its frustrating, exhausting, and other then the rare unicorn that thrives on this, everybody goes through this.

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