Christmas was my favorite holiday, favorite time of year.

I had my loss about 4 months ago now and I have just lost all that happiness. I havent out a tree up. I dont want to go shopping. I dont want to wrap presents. I dont want to go to Christmas and be around family.

How do I get that joy back? It was always something I looked forward to with my mom and grandma. We all love christmas. I use to look forward to making cookies with my grandma and all the laughs.

I'm just not there this year. I want to be, but I'm not.

I feel like I'm searching for that joy and it's not there.

Some days I feel like I shouldnt be happy, guilty even. I want to be happy. I want to be so happy and have so much fun like I always do this time of year, but all I feel is dread.