Confused I know y’all are going to roast my ass, but I have to get this off my chest.

So long story short- my husband and I have been through some things. Like well he put me through a lot and my reactions weren’t the best. We’ve been married for 3 years and it’s been a struggle majority of the way. Him leaving, me telling him to leave. He’s got physical with me multiple times (hasn’t done it since a few months ago) and I know most would say I should have left then, but I didn’t. (Stupid me I KNOW) anywho...He just has never really been there for me mentally, physically, spiritually or anything. Now he’s began to do some of the things i asked before, but says it’s stupid that I expect him to do romantic things because he’s a chill person and doesn’t need all that, but I’ve expressed what it does for me. Honestly..there’s a lot more, but I’m so exhausted I don’t even want to write it all out. He’s controlling and refuses to truly support my dreams. During both of my pregnancies he was the worst partner you could ever imagine(unhelpful and didn’t care about what I went through) I was high risk.

So, here I am with him now just doing the bare minimum seems more so to keep me quite or maybe he’s genuinely doing it now but my heart is so torn. I’m not happy with him anymore. I don’t feel any connection other than me being so used to him being around. It’s to the point where I don’t want anyone knowing I’m married. His family are users (if you saw my post about his sister not paying me back for my school money) I just honestly am over it y’all. I’m exhausted. I want to go to counseling, but he refuses. I offered to do a book called (the love dare) he refused. He won’t allow me to do anything without him (if you read my post about me trying to go get a massage, you’ll understand) ...I just don’t know what to do and I’m scared ....so scared of being alone and miserable with 3 kids & no one else loving me(or even pretending to). I know I sound like a damn coward. But what if this time is different 😭😩