I Need Some Advice

Hi so basically I want your thoughts on my current messy situation.

In October I started seeing this guy. Obviously, I’m flirting with other guys because it’s nothing serious blah blah blah, I’m single. Every single Sunday (preface, I’m in college) I drop every and go to his house and we end up having sex all the time. Well, November 23rd was my time to go home for winter break. We don’t live near each other. (We go to different colleges, I go to an all women’s college). Two Weeks before I left I decided to ask what we were in terms of a relationship or anything like that so I knew before I went back home because I started catching feelings for him (as I said, we met every single sunday since the first week of October). He preceded to tell me “well, I couldn’t date you because you have that private story that I’m not even on and you talk to too many guys. So when you go home, you can f*** any guy you want idc.”

Side note: the private story he was referring to (deleted after he said something about it) I had for a long time. I would post my nudes and lewds up there to a very very exclusive audience of my best friends (only about 7 people guys and girls). I’m very confident in my body and sometimes I just liked to show it to people I am comfortable with seeing me in that setting. The way he found out was I was laying on his chest and one of my girl friends swiped up on the story and he saw the picture and acted so cold towards me. I asked him if he wanted to be on it and he said no. And about the guy situation: I didn’t talk to that many guys, not in that way. Many of them were my friends in their own relationships and others were just guys i would casually flirt with.

The Sunday before I left, I asked again, because I was even more confused about our status. He keeps telling me that he likes me. This and that. He basically says that he doesn’t want to rush anything and assured me that I was single. So, I said okay.

Now, here comes the messy part. Back in August I was talking to this really toxic guy. I blocked and unblocked him several times. We never met in person. I blocked him back in early November. Then, I was going to my cousin’s house (who lives near him) PREVIOUSLY (within the last two weeks) and my plan was to unblock him and tell him I was in the city then block him again (because he hurt me and I wanted to hurt him too (I know that’s so immature but I wasn’t thinking)). We continued to talk. Last week, December 19th, we met in person for the first time and really hit it off. He was amazing in person. I’ve always had feelings for him but I knew we would never work together so I didn’t pursue him entirely. I even met his parents!! The day I left my cousin’s we met again on the 14th. I didn’t want to have sex with him, I didn’t hang out to have sex with him. I’m not that type. (I didn’t even shower for two days because I didn’t want to get hair dye on my cousin’s towels) so obviously, I didn’t want to have sex. But I didn’t stop it. I let it happen. Afterwards, I told him that I love him, because I do, but that it would never work between us. I then told him about the other guy because I felt so guilty and instant regret for having sex. When the guy dropped me off at my car, he told me that he basically didn’t care about the other guy. I called the other guy right away.

During the call, he said that I cheated on him and that he just bought my “expensive” Christmas gift (even though I told him not to buy me anything). He kept telling me that I can’t be trusted and that I cheated on him and it went on and on. I feel really guilty about having sex with the guy.

Now, he says he is willing to date me and ask me to be his girlfriend and forget about the whole “cheating” situation, but he keeps bringing it up. Over and over. Every conversation. I just want to put it behind me. I had no idea the way he felt about me until the night I told him. One conversation we had, he said “I basically just wanted to fuck you and leave.” When he knows I’m not that type of person. Sex to me is a very intimate thing. It hurt me when he said that and I’m not sure if he was saying that just to hurt me, but the fact that I know it’s true still hurts. When I told him I’m not the hook up type, he brought up the other guy when I explained to him the whole story. He still won’t believe me that I actually didn’t want to have sex.

I want to know you all’s thoughts about it. Thank you for taking the time to read this messy situation. I know it was very wrong to sleep with the other guy and I have taken accountability for it every chance I can get. I just want to know other opinions or advice. All of us involved are 20 and 21.