Ok so let me start off by saying I am no saint. I’ve done some horrible things to my boyfriend of 5 years. Cheating ( with only 1 guy off and on for a year ) and flirting with multiple guys off and on. I stopped everything. Let’s rewind to last year when the actual cheating started. It was with a coworker and my bf found out. I stopped and he took me back. But the coworker did not care and would try everything to get me back. Until 1 day my bf did it back to me. He went out with multiple girls to clubs and bars and had sex with 2 girls. He said the first girl was a customer at his job and he claims he couldn’t go all the way through with it. But the second girl is when he had so much hatred towards me he did until she found out about me and told him to get lost. So we both stopped and started working on our relationship together. Thanks to covid I was laid off and then we moved in together. I basically stood home and cooked and clean for him everyday. Things were getting better ALOT better actually. The arguments stopped up until 2 weeks ago. He was being very distant with me and we weren’t having sex. I figured maybe he’s just stressed out. I have him the benefit of the doubt and his space and didn’t push for it. Until I did the laundry and noticed a perfume smell on one of his work clothes. I thought ok he moved cars around at work so maybe he had to get into a female customers car. Washed his clothes and let it go. We planned his sisters gender reveal and I was starting to have baby fever so I told him cute things like I can’t wait for our turn and blah blah blah. He agreed and we dropped it. My birthday comes around and he threw me the cutest surprise party ( only our immediate family was here which is like 7 of us ) and he got me the biggest bouquet of flowers. I cried because I felt so loved. Then 2 days later on a Friday I’m hugging him and I feel he has a boner. He then tells me “ I want to make love to you” so I tell whenever he wants I’ve been waiting. He sits me down and I’m over here thinking we’re about to do it on the couch. Wrong. He tells me how a week ago he was so mad at me for the year before he ended up talking to an old female friend and one thing led to another and they had unprotected sex. He compared it to the first time he cheated on me and said he felt so horrible he couldn’t go through with it and cussed her out ( he has a bad temper) and says he’s never going to talk to her again and he realized what a mistake it was and how he loves me a lot more than he ever has. He doesn’t want to get into detail with me until he’s ready. Which I think is unfair because when he wanted to know everything about me he’d threaten to leave me if I didn’t tell him. Now he just gets mad and goes off on me when I ask. So, I feel so hurt because I’ve stood home for him. I cook and clean for him. I’m home waiting for him to get home while he was out doing that during his work hours. So now I’m stuck between leaving and breaking up with him or having faith that I can get passed this hurt and betrayal. I’m so hurt because this is our first home together. The memory that will forever stick to us. Our first Christmas together. I don’t want to be out in public with him because I don’t know who the girl is. I don’t know if she lives around us or what and when I’m home I hate it here because I figure what’s the point? I’m busting my ass here while he’s out there doing lord knows what. I’ve pushed all my friends away while he told me he still talks to his guy and female friends. Which I’m not the jealous type but see how 1 old female friend led to flirting and then sex? How can I trust him having female friends now? I asked to see his phone and he said yes but not now. Wtf? I know a lot are going to tell me to leave. I just don’t have the courage to do so yet but when I’m mad I do and that’s when he cries and holds me and tells me not to go.

Oh! And he has my car because we share insurance and he got in an accident the day after he cheated on me. How ironic right? So it’s not like I can just leave while he’s at work. I would’ve done so already 😕

Side note : He’s going to get tested and said if we sleep together we’ll use condoms. Which I don’t even have the strength to look at him let alone sleep with him. It’s not fair that he decided to be stupid and not use anything then coming home to me and expect me to use something with someone I’ve been using nothing with for 5 years.