i feel like such an idiot. my ex and I broke up back at the end of October for reasons that I thought (and was told) were largely circumstantial (I won't get into it, but distance, college-related covid restrictions, military, etc). he proposed staying close so we have for the most part - we snapchat daily and check in on facetime every week or so.

recently, the facetimes picked up (he was the one initiating) to 2-4x a week. he'd call me and reminisce on our relationship (all the good memories) and joke about why we broke up. i was convinced that these were signs he still had feelings and wanted to get back together despite the fact I knew he was talking to a different girl.

last night he noticed I was upset and ended up calling me. I basically rambled for 30 minutes straight about how I wasn't sure if we should still be friends, that I didn't know exactly what my feelings were/if I still had them because I haven't seen him in 6 months. he was honestly patient and listened the entire time, offered to see me if that's what I need to feel better and pointed out that he had no issues with our friendship but that this is the second time I've brought up being unsure about being friends. he's 100% right, nothing about our friendship is actually a problem, and my hurt is one-sided. he asked me what our plan of action was and I said nothing had to change, which made no sense after how much I rambled. I just wanted to tell him that I'm still in love with him and that being his friend hurts me but I couldn't say it directly. he made it very clear that he moved on to this new girl.

I wish I had a reason to be mad at him and feel justified in cutting off contact but even as friends, he was still good/patient enough to listen to me make nonsensical rambles for 30 minutes straight. I'm so embarrassed that I'm considering not talking to him anymore, and I'm not sure if I should apologize for last night.

as soon as we hung up I felt like such an idiot that I just sat there crying.