Bad one night..

So to tell the tale, I need to tell the whole story.

First, I was in a 3 year relationship that was basically a long ass booty call. He would only call me to hang out after dark, we would have sex, eat, watch movies. Whatever. After a certain point you ask yourself um.. is there more? I mean, he’s never even taken me out on a date. When I would mention movies or to eat, he would say we can do that here. When I needed reassurance it was a problem, basically anything that pertained to my feelings was irrelevant.

Fast forward.. things just got to feeling empty. I paid for everything all the time. We were on and off. Most holidays didn’t contain gifts (it’s NOT a problem, itsjust.. weird to me.) When we’d argue he would ignore me. I would say things like you know I don’t deserve this, there’s a man out there who cares about me and imsittojg here crying over you, and he would say “go get them.” I ’d cry myself to sleep and he was just doing who knows what. There were times I would cry and he would smile in my face or start rapping lyrics.

Fast forward... our relationship was very rocky at this point. Oh and off for days even weeks at a time. I think the longest was a month. He woukd pop back in with his empty promises and I would fall. Finally tho, I met another guy. And it was nice. He was nice. Then he rented a hotel room and well.. yeah. I got there and immediately he says take 10 shots of dusse. I hadn’t even eaten anything. I told him probably not. Itllbe too much, but you know men. I did it. Almost instantly threw me on the bed, whatever.. but ladies, you know when you have a moment of realization when you just don’t want to... that was me. I said no. No no no. Kept going. “I just want to..” and I caved a little Bc pressure. Then he started and I literally started crying. And he thinks it’s so cute awww no itsokay. And the whole time I’m just so sad. The next day I woke up feelings so icky. I told him that wasn’t supposed to happen.. and I never spoke to him again. Ladies, I feel tainted. I feel wrong bc he was under the impression that I wanted to, but still.. I said no.. AND I WAS CRYING.. I think this has alotto do with my very low sex drive today. It’s so low. I don’t want touch. I don’t have any desire.

Evidently the ex came back and indexed comfort. I missed him. I felt regretful. But even then, I still knew things with my ex wasn’t going to work. I was doing it just because. But he eventually told me he didn’t know his intentions with me. I mean after three years you don’t even know?? It was time to go.

Finally I cut ties with my ex. It hurt, but it had to happen. He did nothing for me, even his mother day that. But just recently .. the guy I’m currently talking to asked me if I ever had sex with the hotel guy. And it haunted me a little.. I tried to hard to forget and I felt that he was judging me for it. He said “damn that’s crazy...” and I cried all day. Now I wake up and I think about it. 😣 it’s not fair. That hotel guy is going around saying he’s had sex with me. It’s disgusting.. it was the worst experience. How can I just let this be. I want this ugly feeling gone already.. all I can think of is, does my ex know now? Does he think I cheated.. I’m sorry if it’s so confusing. But I’m confused. My mind is in gambles. I just want to be happy.