My mom and I have never been close in a way where we can sit and talk about things like friends. She didn’t start treating me that way until these past few years as I became an adult. It’s a strange thing to me. I’ve known her for 24 years and like, I’m actually getting to know her now.

I was at her house, and I don’t even know why I went into her room anymore. But I immediately noticed something was off.

So I kept asking her “what is wrong?”

“Nothing is wrong?”

“No mom, I can tell. Did something happen?”

She said that one of her coworkers randomly put in his two weeks and today was his last day, and he was a pretty good friend and she asked why he was leaving and his response was “I have an inoperable brain tumor and I have a few weeks to live. I’m going home and getting put on hospice.”

Today one of her cousins died of covid-19 and she said that when she found out, she couldn’t stand anymore, curled up in a ball in the floor and sobbed. She said Her cousins were her first best friends in life.

Then she talked about how this was the first Christmas without her mom who passed away in September. I tried cheering her up and said “remember last Christmas she was being a butthole because we couldn’t find her favorite chocolate.” And she started laughing and said “yeah she was an ass, but she was still my mom and I still loved her and it hurts that she’s gone. I miss her so much.”

I said “of course. If you got old and senile I’d still love you even if you were an asshole. But please don’t be an asshole. Also please don’t die, if you die I’ll die.” She finally stopped crying and starting laughing to the point she was snorting. I guess the way I said it was funny? Lol

She said “I don’t want to ruin everyone’s Christmas being so down like this. I want this Christmas to be good for the kids and I’m trying to not show it. I feel so ALONE.”

I said “mom you are not alone. You still have us. And plus, your kids are either grown or all teenagers and fully understand that this year has been rough for all of us and this is your first Christmas without your mother and they’ll understand how hard that is. You don’t have to pretend with any of us. Just go with the flow, feel how you feel.”

She said “I’ll be okay.”

And I was like I know. It was quiet for a moment and then..

And she put her face into the pillow and said “IOTTUFFING”

I was like “uh. What.”

Pulls her head up sobbing again, “i don’t know how to make her stuffing! It was my favorite part of Christmas, only she could make it that good and I never got the recipe from her. It just DIED with her.” And I said “well you’ve discovered you have a gluten allergy so even if you did have it, you’d just have to angrily stare at us while we ate it.”

Again, she was laughing and snorting.

We talked more about grief in general, like very personal feelings that made her feel guilty and we realize we feel the same way, I just don’t feel guilty for it because I know it’s normal to feel relief when someone you love is suffering and finally dies. As sick as that sounds, it’s normal. Nobody wants to watch their loved ones slowly die, and is a relief when it happens no matter how much you loved them because it means that the suffering, the pain, it’s gone. She told me “I adore you.” And I was like I adore you too mom and then I said I was going home because I had to poop, to make her laugh one last time before I left. The older I get the more I love her.