Am I in the wrong?
Last night I got into an argument with my boyfriend and I feel very guilty about it now.
We are in an age gap relationship and he still hasn’t told his sister about me because she’s extremely religious and will condemn it. This means I didn’t get to spend Christmas with him. He mentioned he is going to tell her about me soon but followed it up with saying he’ll be telling her he has a friend who is a girl because she doesn’t believe in sex before marriage.
At first I was like oh ok whatever. But then I got thinking about it more and realized that what he said doesn’t make sense. If she doesn’t believe in sex before marriage and you are only allowed to be friends with someone how could you ever get to marriage? If apparently relationships aren’t allowed because you might have sex?
I decided to ask him about it but I already knew it would be a touchy subject. We’ve argued about this before - him saying he’s going to introduce me to people as his friend and that “no one introduces their partner as girlfriend or boyfriend, that’s weird”.
I told him I’ve never heard of introducing your SO as your friend because there’s a difference. Well he got pissed and told me that’s how people do it and that they would know what he means.
So when I decided to ask him about what I said I started it off by saying that I was just curious about something, that I wasn’t upset about the friend thing but was just wondering if that means that his sister isn’t ok with relationships at all since apparently you can’t have a girlfriend or boyfriend since you might have sex before marriage. I told him I was just trying to understand her way of thinking.
He immediately started getting mad and raised his voice at me, saying that he can never say the right things and that he’s apparently not moving fast enough and that I always get upset about how he wants to introduce me. I told him that had nothing at all to do with my question, that I wasn’t even talking about him! He said he doesn’t have all the answers when it comes to her and I told him that he could’ve just said that, I’m not a mind reader :(
I was really upset after that and kind of shut down because his reaction seemed so extreme. He told me he wanted to cuddle but I didn’t feel like talking much because I felt like no matter what I said it was the wrong thing.
He told me to let it go and that he wants us to just move on from things quickly. But I told him that that doesn’t give me any time to process things, I can’t just immediately get over it when he freaks out. He told me he just got excited because he had coffee and that I need to learn to be less sensitive and that he forgets he needs to be gentle with me because I’m not tough enough. That made me feel even worse because it was like he was saying that his behavior was fine and that I was just overreacting and should’ve never been upset over it in the first place. And it wasn’t the coffee, he’s reacted the same way without it.
Then I told him I miss my family. I haven’t seen them in almost a year and it’s my first Christmas without them. He said that made him feel bad because I should just be happy to be with him. I told him I was, of course I was but still missed my family. And again it was like no matter what it was that I said, it was wrong. He said sometimes you have to pretend to be happy and then it’ll help you feel better. All I wanted was to have someone to talk to while I was missing them.
So now he keeps saying he feels like I’m mad. I’m not mad, I’m just so on edge because I don’t know what to say now to avoid setting him off.
Did I overreact when I asked him the question and he started to get mad? I thought I started it off right by telling him that it didn’t have anything to do with him, it was just me asking a question.
I feel guilty now like I was the one who messed up. I don’t know if it’s because I did or because he made me believe that I’m in the wrong.
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