So, last night my fiancé was talking about taking our daughters to the park (5 years old and 5 months old). He told me he tried to do it while I was napping but couldn’t figure out the baby carrier so he didn’t go.

Then, almost out of the blue, he just starts getting choked up about being a bad dad and he can’t even get full sentences out because he’s literally breaking down. This is SO out of character for him. I think I’ve seen him cry like that twice in our entire 5 year long relationship. He doesn’t talk about his feelings or anything like that but last night he just fell into my arms crying about how he feels like a bad dad and he feels like he isn’t even connected to his kids. He said that he thought after we had our second (our first was 9mo when we met), he’d magically change into this paternal, loving, devoted dad and he just doesn’t feel that.

It broke my heart because I know he’s a good dad and I told him that. Our girls love him and he’s so kind to them. We both struggle with patience but he’s so much better than I am. I know he works a lot and he works nights so whenever he is home and awake, the kids are sleeping or he gets like 2 hours in the morning with them before he has to go to bed for work. He said when he looks back on memories from a week or two weeks ago, it feels like he’s watching a movie of a stranger doing things he’s done because he feels like he’s just going through the motions.

Then on top of the vulnerability, all of a sudden, he was asking me about wedding rings and our wedding and, even though we’ve been engaged for almost 3 years (and had planned to get married in June of 2020), we don’t talk about it. I was pregnant at the time and our priorities just changed but now he’s taking the time to look for rings and the prices and he seems more serious about the wedding.

The kids and I were away from like Sunday afternoon until Thursday afternoon so I think maybe the alone time was reflective for him. I’m just worried because of how uncharacteristic this kind of behavior is for him. He said he’s not depressed like he wants to hurt himself, but he feels hopeless. He feels like he doesn’t feel the level of love that he should feel for his kids and he feels like everything is out of his control.

He won’t talk to a therapist because he said it took him this long to open up to me, he thinks it would be fruitless to try and open up to a stranger...

I just want to help him. I tried suggesting doing a “family thing” once a week or even once a month just to break out of the mold of the “motions”. Any other advice or input? It’s so hard to see him so vulnerable and I just want to help him know he’s loved and appreciated, not only by me, but our daughters too.

*********Edit: he works Sun, Mon, Tues and every other Saturday. He just works 12 hour shifts and it’s nights that make it so hard. He can’t work a different job because he works with his uncle and he makes good money there. It was the main reason we moved 2,700 miles away from our home state. I am a SAHM but I drive for Uber on his days off so I wake him up around 4pm when I leave and I don’t get home until 9-11pm depending on which day of the week it is. Then I go to bed so he can go to sleep at a decent time and the cycle repeats. He doesn’t get “alone” time with them unless I’m working and he feels terrible about it but there have been times I get frantic phone calls to come home early because the baby just won’t stop screaming and he can’t handle it. I’ve tried to tell him bonding is what’s most important with his negative emotions and it will help him learn the baby’s needs and wants and cries but I think it comes off patronizing or condescending because he shuts down.