This is really long but I need help

Just some background info.

I met my now husband when I was 14 and he was 16. We are now 23 and 25, married with a sweet 1.5 year old.

We have been head over heels in love with eachother since we met and are still so happy together. The only issue is his mom.

She was somewhat warm and welcoming to me when she first met me but once she noticed my husband and I spending more time together and getting more serious, she began to shift. Snide comments here and there or subtly tiny things to make me feel excluded or belittled. Mind you, I was a teenager. In all these years, she has:

-took it upon herself to give me the sex talk when she found out we were sexually active as teens. This was incredible uncomfortable for me and I felt it was inappropriate. I had a mom and 2 big sisters to talk to, it was not her place. Not only that, but it was about 45 minutes of her degrading and slut shaming me.

-told all of our private business to all her friends whom had kids I went to school with. The news that i’d had sex spread like wildfire.

-we were involved in a community theater that his mom volunteered at. I knew and was friends with a lot of the adults there or I babysat for them. She had told them her negative opinions of me. It was frequent that someone would ask me “how are things with _____? That must be rough. Years later when I was an adult myself and caught up with some of those friends, they’d shared with me that my MIL frequently gossiped about me to them.

-my husband would sometimes post mushy gushy sweet posts for me on Facebook at the time. I know, so cringey. But harmless and sweet. His mom messaged us in a group chat and told us to stop “flaunting our relationship on facebook”. It sounds dumb but it make 16 year old me feel horrible.

-told my husband that I was an immature teen that was going to get pregnant on purpose to trap him.

-said her concern was because he would be 18 soon and I’d still be underage. Mind you, my family adored him. My mom was aware we were sexually active. We lost our virginities to eachother, we were safe, and we have only ever been with eachother all these years. It just felt like that was a handy thing for her to blame her distaste on. It just felt mean. Not like genuine concern.

-fast forward as married adults. I could tolerate her BS more because I had more confidence than I did as a teenager. I let things roll off me much easier. But she still was rude much of the time. Her attacks were very subtle though. It was in a way that if I said anything it would have just been seen as petty.

-called my husband selfish at his college graduation and army commissioning ceremony because it was Mother’s Day weekend and my parents were going to take him out to lunch as a gift because they couldn’t make it to the graduation. This was HIS weekend and she still made it about her. He cancelled on my parents to avoid tension with his mom and she STILL pouted about it all day and didn’t speak to me.

-was mad she wasn’t the first person we told when I was pregnant. She was the 2nd. 🤦🏻‍♀️

-yelled at my husband on Christmas eve that he was going to be a bad dad because she didn’t agree with his parenting choices.

Then got mad at me because I asked her not to say those things to him.

-my husband left for ranger school for 3 months during my pregnancy. Only communication was occasional letters. Something about a new life was motivating me to fix things with his mom. I invited her to the birth. A couple weeks later, she got upset with me because she didn’t agree with some travel plans during my husband’s Ranger school grad. She called my SIL (whom I’m very close with) and told her I was “sinking my claws in deeper to tear her family apart”. Hearing this while I was heavily pregnant and emotional was really hard.

-my husband has 5 younger siblings. They do a music concert every June. We have gone every year. We have always made the 14 hour drive when we lived further away. I was 9 months pregnant for the last one and though we lived closer (4 hours) I didn’t feel comfortable traveling that far from my hospital that close to my due date. Especially with a first baby. I didn’t know if I’d labor fast and had no idea what to expect. I was also just huge and uncomfortable and my husband and I wanted to take the time to get ready and enjoy our last week or so just us. She called me selfish and unreasonable and hung up on my husband when he tried to reason with her. She guilt tripped him saying he wasn’t being there for his siblings. I sucked it up and went anyway despite my feelings because I didn’t want to welcome a baby into the world when there was tension. It wasn’t good enough and she still complained that we didn’t stay long enough for a visit. 🙂

-met us at our house when we returned from the hospital, despite us expressing we wanted a few days to ourselves with the baby.

-got mad that we asked her to wash her hands before holding the baby and requested that she not kiss or touch the baby’s face.

-she doesn’t vaccinate her young children so we weren’t comfortable with bringing our daughter around them until she was 3 months. Because they also live far, there is no quick 1-2 hour visit. They stay for days. I love the kids but they are very loud and she does not discipline them or tell them no. It was too much for me while I was recovering, navigating being a new mom, and figuring out breastfeeding. We didn’t tell her it was because of the vaccinating. We just told her that was how we felt and we weren’t ready for kids yet and she flipped out and called my husband all kinds of names.

-I’ve wanted to be a mom my whole life, so I was sooo happy to have my daughter. I loved doing everything for her. I wanted to. I also had some postpartum anxiety I was working through. I expressed I didn’t want her to take my daughter out of the room where I couldn’t see her. My husband backed me up but she still lost it on us. She literally throws a tantrum when told no. She wants to take my baby when she visits and only return her to me to feed her, and then take her back and I don’t like or want that. Ir stresses me out and I want my baby back after a short while. This drives her nuts.

-husband deployed with 12 hours notice last New Years. Very scary. A week passed and I still hadn’t heard from him. His mom and aunts came to visit. At a trip to the dog park I expressed that I felt more comfortable holding my daughter and keeping her safe. I don’t like bringing her to the dog park, I feel kids shouldn’t be there. But if I was going to then I wanted to hold her. His mom wanted to hold her and said that because she’s had 7 kids that she knows what she’s doing. I told her I didn’t doubt that but that this wasn’t her kid, it was my baby and I was the mom and that I felt better doing it my way. I said it very calmly. She told me it wasn’t ok and stormed off. She then spent the next two days rolling her eyes at me and giving me and my 6 month old the silent treatment IN MY OWN HOME. My husband was so upset that he left for a potential war and couldn’t trust his own mom to be kind to his wife and baby.

-husband returns and we invite his parents over as a last olive branch. When it’s my turn to speak, she won’t let me speak and keeps yelling over me. I said I’m not done speaking. She comes at me in the kitchen and puts her finger in my face. The whole argument was her screaming and acting like a toddler. Any time we told her “you hurt us when _____” she would go “I guess I’m just a bitch!” Or “I’m just the bad guy huh?!” Or “fine I’ll just never try to help you ever again!” It was so gross. And when I brought up her saying I was tearing the family apart, she denied it and tried to say how kind and good she was. (She eventually admitted it months later when confronted by the person she said it to.)

She wouldn’t own up to anything and whatever we said she would just twist it. We would say “You really hurt us when you did xyz” and she would say “so you’re saying I’m a bad mom?!” It was just exhausting so we eventually shut it down and asked them to leave. This was all with my daughter in my arms. My husband had my back but it didn’t work. We tried to own and acknowledge our shit and apologize for whatever we have ever done to upset her. And asked her to do the same but she refused.

-up until recently I’ve been hoping to eventually work things out through therapy and a mediator but after the recent EMAIL she sent my husband deflecting all of her behavior onto everyone else, I think I’m done. I want to tap out. I can’t do it anymore. My husband supports me in cutting her off, but I feel so awful for him and my daughter. I just need to know if I’m being dramatic and should continue trying with her through a mediator.