I’m torn, I’m dealing with the reality of possibly being pregnant by a one night stand and I’m only 21.

I’ve had an abortion in the past when i was 18 but it really took a toll on me mentally, and even though I wasn’t ready to raise a baby then and had no money — I always thought about how it would be to be a mother. I was even more torn when the father was killed a year later by gun violence.

But that was in the past, and I’m in a way better place now and I’m going to college. Part of me wants a baby so bad, because I’ve always wanted to be a mother and I feel that having that bond is one of the most special things in the world. I’m actually kind of mad at myself for getting that abortion even though I know it was in my best interest.

But another part of me doesn’t want a baby because I’m not married, don’t have a stable relationship and I know if I had this baby it’d be primarily me and My family raising it. But I don’t want to possibly damage my body by having another abortion.

I’m so sad that I got myself into this situation. I’ve always said I wanted a baby so bad but I think I think I spoke it into existence by mistake. I can’t think straight. I’ve been crying all day.