I will try to make this short. I’ve had this on my chest for a very long time and I just feel it’s healthier to get it out. So, I had my first boyfriend at 12 with in the first year he broke up with me for someone else but I wanted him back. (I didn’t realize it then but I have abandonment and attachment issues) well I begged him to stay and he left. A few months later he came back and my mom told me to not get attached again he then tried to break up again about 2 months later right before Valentine’s Day but he stayed. On my birthday he left my party to take two girls to a dance one whom he broke up with me for and the other he called sister but was actually a crush. Pretty much it started out as shit. It was up and down throughout high school and I constantly felt ignored there were times of him having emotional flings multiple times he would even entertain other people that liked him by not giving them a rejection. Fast forward to us being 17 i was allowed to go on a family trip with him across the country this family was strict so there was no intimacy which I was find with. However shortly after we returned home I was visiting him as I normally would, I had fallen asleep while he was gaming and he tried to penetrate me I said no over and over and begged him to leave me be but he didn’t no matter how much i tried to push back and kick. He raped me. I was in shock, I just lie there. When I finally grabbed my things to walk home he came along as nothing happened and as we walked in silence he asked what was wrong. I told him I had said no and he just apologized and I truly believed that Jesus wanted to to forgive him and stay (I see how this is so flawed) well over time he became mean and down in the dumps and whenever I didn’t pick him up (I did repeatedly but was so drained) he would get angry and lash out on me. I eventually told my best friend and she was telling me how he was a good guy and forgive him, I truly felt let down. Like maybe I was over exaggerating. One day while at his place and someone on the game caught my attention I genuinely felt I made a new friend and we instantly had a connection (I have a hard time making friends). Originally we’d just chat through my boyfriends phone then we had a group chat then our own separate chat eventually. One day my bf was angry with me and acting as if the rape was my fault of I had been the once to commit the act, he felt I wasn’t supporting him when I was the once dying inside he yelled and screamed at me because of this and at this point I was tired I was crying and I just look at him and say sorry I love you I don’t wanna fight but he just gave me a dead look and slammed the door in my face. The time following I began to disconnect and broke off the relationship. I still talked to the gamer friend (Bobby) our connection continued to grow we could talk about anything. We eventually talked about the relationship and it took talked to him someone I had only know a few months for me to realize that I wasn’t crazy. He told me how I needed to be safe and stay away from that situation. Overtime I had feelings for him as he did me but my ex was still on my heals pleading at all times. I ended up telling Bobby I couldn’t talk with him on that level and I let my ex back in. I believed he changed and months later he proposed and I was torn it’s what I wanted but I was scared and then there was Bobby who had been unfairly cut off. But I said yes. We had the same problems on a smaller scale and things seemed to improve it was the best year. But the. We got married we were going to try for a baby but had decided to wait. One day while sleeping he came home and tried removing my pants and inserted I said no but he begged I gave in but told him to use protection. He pretended to go and get it I heard the wrapper open and all, but he didn’t use it. Afterwards I realize what he’d done and I kinda froze there in disbelief. Well I was pregnant we had a beautiful baby and things seemed ok. He began drawing back being with friends more than me talking about a specific female at work every single day. He wouldn’t give me attention. Even when she moved across the country he would talk about her. he’d often comment to me on females photos and I’d respond “if it’s too revealing why don’t you delete them?” He began gaming more and more I would ask for thin to come to bed and he’d agree only to stay awake for hours longer falling asleep outside the room and only wanting to be intimate once I was uninterested and tired. I felt unwanted and lost interest. Bobby contacted me on pan one day and we played games together it was strictly gaming. Well my bf now husband didn’t like that I now had someone to play with as well so we would all play. There were a few times where he’d get mad at me for something little not knowing the mic was on and head scream at me. He was rough with our 1 yr old baby. The baby was terrified of him. He seemed to become a monster again one day when I confronted him for grabbing our child’s neck. He wrapped his arms around me until I could breath. I asked if we could break (because he told me he wasn’t in love with me) and he said no. Eventually he said yes and took of his ring and when I asked why he said he didn’t feel like lying and pretending to be married and happy. This happened multiple times he took it off a total of 4 times. A lot happened he told me to see other people I wasn’t interested. The worst thing was one day he decided to “massage” me in my sleep and put his hands in my pants after I had told him I didn’t want any intimacy of the sort. When I woke up and asked him why he left the room and began crying and texting me paragraphs and when I went to talk face to face to express it wasn’t justified and I just felt uncomfortable, he began yelling and calling me crazy and telling my I need help and it’s something wrong with me our baby began to wake and I was going to soothe him and he intervened and got him dressed and tried to leave I begged him not to take my baby but he was calling me unstable claiming I was a danger to the baby and he left in a brutal winter and left my baby at my moms house and me stranded home with no car. It was this point that I was done he labeled my anxiety disorder as crazy and he took my baby he actually forced me into a wall to get through the door. I stayed with my mom for a week but she made me go back to him over time I detached and confided in bobby. My relationship was over it is over and Bobby is honestly the only person who has ever truly been honest and unbiased with me I understand him and he me

Sorry Ik it’s all over and the grammar and spelling may be bad but I’m rushing and just needed to get it out

-EDIT-

A month after the taking the baby incident, I was given a paper saying we all had on day to be out. It’s been almost a year of trying to collect myself and get back into my own place. Bobby and I began talking again and he really is my peace. My husband shouted at me about “cheating” although he told me to see people. He also told me “you must not forgive me or else it wouldn’t bother you” when I expressed that I was having flashbacks from the rape and I couldn’t control it, which was just another red flag for me. Since calling it all off, I’m at a more peaceful place. Bobby has cared for my son from the start always asking about him and checking with me when he’s sick. He lives hours away so we don’t see each other often but the connection is still there. Apparently he reached out to me a few years back to see if I was ok and I shut down and didn’t let him in. I’ve always felt bad for being drawn to him but I realize it isn’t bad. I held on to a toxic relationship because I had no example of a healthy one, I just wanted someone who would stay. I now realize it’s more than that. I’m not where I want to be yet, I’m working around the clock to get there but Ik it’s worth it. Thank you ladies and again sorry for being all over the place, the whole topic is overwhelming and I have no one to really open up to.