I’ve been struggling for a couple months now. And it all began when my brother passed away from a drug overdose. It hit me really hard and I still am struggling to grieve with it all.

A couple months after that I met my boyfriend. My first boyfriend. He’s everything I could ever want and loves me so much that I should be so incredibly happy. But when we first met he was smoking weed. I kind of ignored it for a while because I saw him as a boyfriend but now he’s someone I want in my life for a long time, hopefully forever.

He understood why I didn’t like weed and that it made me really uncomfortable that he smoked and so he quit. I ask him now and he says he is so much happier not smoking.

Though I’ve been having the worst depression and anxiety that I think I’ve ever had. I’m on an antidepressant and even went up in my dosage but feel no relief. Even though he says he’s happier I still fear that soon he’ll grow to resent me. That I’m not worth him quitting. I feel like by being in his life with all of my problems I’m just making his life worse. I love him so much but I can’t help but have such negative thoughts even though he’s never done or said anything to make me feel this way. He’s truly perfect.

But even with my family and friends I feel as though I’m more of an inconvenience then anything. At times I even have thoughts that I wish I could just disappear to make their lives all better. I know that these thoughts are awful but I can’t get them to stop.

My biggest fear in life is being a burden or inconvenience.

And I want to make sure that nothing I said above offends anyone who might read this. My issues with weed are not based around individuals that’s decide to smoke. It’s around the face that it reminds me of my brother and I can’t handle that. Not right now and I don’t even know when I might.