so a little over two years ago In December I was dating this guy and I was gonna break up with him I didn’t really like him it was kind of a rebound relationship for this other guy. The guy that I really liked I’ve been hanging out with but not cheating on my boyfriend or anything just hanging out because any attention from him was better than nothing. I don’t know why I liked him so much but I did. Then we were hanging out one night and I had a lot to drink and hi I was high and he and I went to another room to “talk“ and we had a long hug. He started grabbing my butt and I told him I didn’t want that and it was just a hug and I had a boyfriend and all these excuses then everything kind of goes fuzzy and I was in and out of remembering because I was so drunk and high and then I remember we were in another room and he was asking me to give him head and I had my clothes and we were just standing and I told him no I have never given head to anyone and I actually had no interest in doing it. He kept asking and kept persisting and moving closer to me and kind of backing me over towards the other side of the room then I forget but the next thing I remember is him in top of me and my pants are down and he’s trying to have sex w me but he was having trouble bc I wasn’t wet. I was silent. He did have sex with me. I don’t actually remember any feeling or sense that I has in that moment. I don’t really know how long that lasted it kind of gets fuzzy after that but then I remember I was sitting in the floor and he was telling me to give him a blow job that he “just needed to finish.” I still didn’t want to give a blow job and before I had said I would give him a blow job after we had sex ONE DAY but we weren’t having sex that night because I had a boyfriend and I didn’t want to have sex with him. He used that as persuasion here again. Finally I said yes and gave him a short blow job until I stopped and refused to do anything else. I sat there on the floor while he finished himself. It took me five months to admit what had happened was rape. In that time I had already advertised myself as a slut and a horrible person for cheating on my boyfriend.  I had sex with that guy a couple more times and I never liked it. My friends had a 5$ bet on how soon I would go back to him next. I remember always having contingencies about things we did because I never wanted to sex I just want to be with him and there’s so much manipulation he did a lot of things to me even before the rape that are obvious red flags of why I shouldn’t be with him but my dumb ass didn’t pay attention. I took it to my school and my school basically silenced me and after a while of harassment from his friends and him lying saying things that weren’t true about me and what happened saying I wanted that I was begging for it, I left my school and move to a boarding school two states away because I didn’t feel like I could lead a normal life where i am from. Everyone knew. My friend I told right after it happened actually spread the rumor initially and told my boyfriend at the time before I could and the rest of the school. Bad situation. there’s a lot of detail here I’m really sorry if I triggered anyone. I’ve never really been able to tell the story of what happened with the dialogue and detail and like know much more than the fact that I said no and gave plenty of reason why not and he did what he wanted still. all of a suddenly I remembered everything in grave detailing Tuesday after having horrible insomnia and panic attacks and moments where I got stuck in a replay of what happened and scenes I’d never remembered. This is long no one has to read the whole thing I just can’t talk to my therapist right now because of state border laws and I really needed to put it out there somewhere.