My husband is my best friend, and I know that I can talk to him about 99% of things. There’s just one subject I can’t talk to him about and it’s the one I need his help with the most.

Some backstory, when I was a child my father was verbally abusive. I hate saying that, but it’s the truth. I can remember as far back as 5 years old, my dad calling me “a fat tub of lard” and various other weight related insults anytime he would see me eating anything. Looking back, I think it was so there would be more food for him because he went through homelessness at one point and of course food was hard to come by.

But it made me ashamed and scared to eat in front of anyone until I was well into high school.

So I would wait all day with no food and once everyone was asleep I would sneak and binge on all the food I could without getting caught.

I did this for years not understanding the damage I was doing to myself. I wasn’t overweight when it all started, but my the end of high school, I was definitely chubby from binging in secret all the time. I also had undiagnosed hypothyroidism and PCOS. Both of which make weight loss more difficult than it already is. My relationship with food is definitely unhealthy. I’ve used it as a reward, as a coping mechanism, and sometimes I still binge even though I haven’t lived with my dad in years.

My husband, who is also overweight and has diabetes, brings up me losing weight frequently. I was able to lose weight before our wedding, and again before getting pregnant with our rainbow baby. But since having our daughter, my pcos is out of control, and my weight has skyrocketed. I’m not going to say that I didn’t play a part in it because I definitely did. Well, after doing some real soul searching the past several weeks, I figured out the kind of help I need and why all my past efforts have eventually failed. I don’t just eat until I’m no longer hungry, I eat until I’ve finished my food because I’m finally able to enjoy it. I eat more than I need to at one sitting because I know my husband isn’t about to call me a fat tub of lard, or tell me that no one would ever want me. I eat because I can. And it’s unhealthy. I hate it. I don’t want this life for my daughter. I don’t want her to copy my unhealthy habits. She’s not 2 yet, but I know she pays attention. So I’ve started with healthy snacks, fruits and veggies without extra dip. I drink unsweetened drinks and water. I’m slowly working out carbs. I’m making an effort to work out more and show our child how to exercise. I want to be healthy. I want to feel attractive again. I want to be a good example for my little girl.

Only problem is when I try to talk about these things and steps I’ve taken he always says “You could try harder.” Or “You could do better.” And “You really need to exercise more. Do you even care about being around for our child? Or ever being able to have another baby?”

The thing is, he works. He isn’t with me 24/7 to see that I’m not drinking soda anymore. Or that we snack on veggies at snack time. He isn’t there for the treadmill, the squats, the lifting weights, etc. I need him to be more supportive and I feel like I’m being attacked. I’m not the diabetic one, and I’d like to keep it that way.

I know this is going to sound ridiculous, but I really think it would help me if he would talk to me during meal times and ask me questions like “are you still hungry?” that way I’d really have to think about whether I’m eating because I’m actually still hungry or whether I’m still eating because it’s just good and I can.

I’m just scared to even ask him because I’m afraid he’ll take it too far and it’ll be like my dad all over again. My husband is super supportive with everything else, just not this stuff.