If you've opened this post I want to say thank you.

Please don't judge and be rude to me I'm really trying to bare it all to help me work through this.

For a long time now I have been battling bad memories in my head. Memories of shameful times and embarrassing moments. I struggle with a lot of shame and regret that I don't talk about with anyone out of fear of being judged even more so than i have in my past.

These memories pop in my head when I'm taking care of my kids and doing tasks around the house and I dwell on it secretly in my head I relive the bad times over and over and don't know how to stop and just forget it or "let it go"

So I just wanted to post here what those memories are and what bothers me every day and night in Hope's someone can help me see the other side or offer advice of any sort.

We will start with when I was younger I lied about where I was from, silly right? Well I was lying because I was bullied about my country of origin and my faith and got called very horrible names so I figured it was best not to tell the truth. I regret this.

Then I got a job when I was bit older and figured i can meet new people well i met a friend who i thought was my best friend she introduced me to lots of people and she even hooked me up with a nice guy we hung out lots prior to him inviting me to a house party of my friends relative we hung out it was fun however I couldn't drive home so I slept with him in the guest bedroom unexpectedly I didn't realize my period came during intercourse i was so embarrassed my friends relative and the wife shamed me and called me terrible names and made fun of me for what happened especially to the new guy. ( I just cringe about this moment) I panicked and said it was cut of some sort that led to the bleeding ( i was trying to spare myself ) they didn't buy it. Everything happened so fast I didn't even have time to apologize because I was ganged up on. The guy didn't even defend me or help me. ( I feel shame and regret )

Well shortly after It turns out after a long time being friends with my best friend she wasn't the person I thought it took me long time to realize that the intentions were bad.so I distanced myself from this friend in Hope's to figure myself out and evaluate things I stopped inviting her to things. She got upset and called me terrible names and made fun of me put me down and called me a terrorist. It hurt a lot.

Moving forward my parent was diagnosed with a illness I had to be strong for the family shortly after the other parent got sick I stayed strong and helped them through difficult times I was left feeling depressed and worried all the time my life was consumed with sadness I was there through bad times and stayed strong so no one suspected I was struggling

Then I met another friend who was nice we stayed friend for a few years this friend invited me to go on a trip with her I agreed this is where I became what I hate and regret this so much because I'm not sure why it got this bax.

We went on a trip I slept with a guy unprotected in the same hotel room where she was passed out in the other bed. Ugh I hate myself. Then couple nights later i slept with another guy also unprotected drunk beyond belief my friend couldn't find me finally i slept with another guy again drunk I can't even remember if we used a condom ( I beat myself up every day for my actions I hate looking in the mirror and even showering sometimes I'm just disgusted with myself I feel like the lowest person on the this face of earth ) I got tested when I came back broke down in front of the doctor told her what I had done. She obviously judged me and then crtiziced me. I deserved it. I'm sad I lost this friend due to my behaviour and actions I didn't deserve her friendship for this I regret every day I wish I could call her but I don't have her number. I hate myself for what I did and hurt her.

Then a year later a guy friend invited me to his state to get away from it all and have a good time and sight see. I have known himfor only a year I decided to go he was very nice to .e showed me around took me to rrestaurants and one night he asked if I wanted to go to the club I agreed and we got drunk and he started acting like my boyfriend I tried explaining that we were friends and he got mad and left me in the club the he came back and saw me talking to a guy and he yanked me out of there and took me to the cab back to his place. He started getting emotional and i was drunk he started kissing me and we ended up having sex he used a condom but I saw a blinking light or something I couldn't make out what it was facing the bed I ignored it. I regret this because now the thought of him possibly recording me having sex runs through my head all the time I never saw anything there in the morning when I woke up so I don't know how to bring this up the morning he was rude to me and called me all sorts of name and was quite mad. I tried talking tto him but eventually just parted ways and left. Ugh I feel disgusted with myself more.

Fast forward years later I met a man who treated me good and i had kids with him it didn't work out between us but he is still good to me and is a good father.

If you read all of this I want tothank you im not perfect and I just need help.