This is my story.

I found out I was pregnant January 11. I was excited but scared because I’m only 17. My boyfriend was with me every step and was so excited and happy. He held my hair when I threw up. He rubbed my tummy. He even held me and said “I love my babies” -referring to me and our child.

Everything was going so well. I was taking a prenatal every morning (taking them at night made me throw them up). I stopped smoking. I did continue vaping once a night.

On Monday, February 1, I went to the clinic to get an ultrasound. They could hardly see anything, but in the grey area, there was our baby. The heart was beating.

That Thursday after sex, I had a little bit of spotting. It wasn’t much, but I was slightly concerned. Then on Sunday, again after sex, there was more blood. It continued on and off until Tuesday. The bleeding became severe, and then cramping started.

I have never cramped before a day in my life! Five years going strong and no cramps. I almost passed out on the way to the ER.

We arrived, got put into a room, and so many tests were conducted.

I got my blood drawn, again, for the second time. I took a urine sample. I had another ultrasound done and an internal one.

After 3 hours waiting in a small triage room, the doctor came in and talked to me. Most of what he said went over my head.

“Your white blood cell count was very high. Your chemical levels show 4-5 months pregnant.” I was only 9 weeks. “The internal ultrasound showed no yolk sac. The urine sample was hard to read with how much blood was in it, but you have a borderline uti.”

Then they let me leave. I went home, laid down, and fell asleep next to my boyfriend. I missed school the next day. I got blood drawn for the third time in three days. My regular ultrasound got canceled. My appointment for health information got canceled. All traces of my baby was erased. Except a bear.

I gave the bear to my dad as a gift to tell him I was pregnant. I haven’t been able to let it go. And each time I look at it I tear up.

To my baby, who no one will ever get the pleasure of knowing or holding, your mom and dad love you so very much. It’s hard knowing that we won’t know your personality, or your voice. It’s hard knowing you will never know what the sun looks like or how the wind feels. it’s hard knowing that him and I will have children that won’t know their big sister or big brother.

We never gave you a proper name, and we cycled through so many. Your nickname was Blubbernugget- a joke your father said to me once. Everyone who knew of you, loved you, and were so excited to meet you.

9-12-21 became 2-9-21 💔