On June 7th 2020 I became a widow. My husband died from covid leaving behind me and our son who is 11 and autistic. My son has always had a strong bond with his dad. He kicked my tummy when his dad would talk to him. Most of the time babies come out wanting their mom but I honestly feel like he came out wanting his dad. When I held him when he was born he cried the whole time until my husband started holding him and talking to him. My husband has always had a way with babies. Babies just love him and his amazing energy. My husband worked at a special needs school and knew how to handle children with special needs so he recognized the signs of Autism quickly. He also helped me learn to properly care for our son. Once our son reached school age he started going to the special needs school my husband worked at. I was working all the time as a paramedic. I feel like people thought I was an absent mom which I wasn't! He was so used to seeing his dad all the time. At home and at school. I worked a lot during the night so I didn't get to spend as much time with him as I would have liked and I feel awful for it.. Now that my husband is gone my son has been very distraught. He doesn't seem to want me at all. If he's having a melt down and l try to comfort him he has said to me "No! I want dad!" Me and my son did have our own bond but since my husband has died he seems to be pulling away from me.... I wonder if I worked less would he still be pulling away. And maybe everyone was right about me being absent and a bad mom... I hate that I can't name him feel better. I hate that my husband is gone. Him dying from Covid was such a surprise because he was always healthy... He should have been able to beat it. I wish he was here or that I could talk to him... Here his voice, have him hold my hand. Cry in his arms. Ask him for help because maybe Idk what I'm doing after all...