I’ve been with my husband for almost 13 years. Since high school. We have 2 kids and expecting #3. I am so happy with our life together. I love him more each day. He’s literally my best friend and soul mate. He’s the best dad and husband we could ask for.

But... every few month or so my ex from junior high pops into my head and I don’t know why. We have 30+ mutual friends on social media so he comes on my “suggestions” but I’ve never added him because of the way things ended. I left him for my husband. And I don’t know if it’s because I feel guilty for just making an excuse over text to break up and basically never answered any of his attempts to reach out. I find myself looking him and his wife up and even his siblings just to check in I guess? We dated for about 2 years. I catch myself wondering if he’s a great man still. How is he as a husband and dad? Is he still the type to think his woman walking on water? Does he spoil her like he did me? Is he happy? Does he think of me or look me up? I sound crazy. I know.

I find myself wanting to reach out to him or him reach out to me. But absolutely not in a romantic way. As I said I’m so happy and in love with my husband and I would never break up 2 families. More so as friends I guess? Because him and I were such close friends before we even started dating. And honestly we were so young when we dated that he could be so far from the guy I once knew. I know I’ve grown so much since then, that I’m sure he has too. It has literally been half of our lives since we broke up. But I catch myself hoping I’ll run into him while at the store. Or even his wife. And the only thing I can think of is because I feel guilty for how I ended things. He was literally the sweetest and one of those guys that you knew loved you for you. Not for sex or anything like that because he was very big in waiting until marriage for sex. I knew back then that he wasn’t like most guys and he really loved me for me no ulterior motives.

And what’s crazy to me is that these feelings of “missing” him or wanting to reach out are so strong for like a week. It’s all I think about and I even dream about it. And then it’s gone and I don’t think about him again for months. So why randomly? Im a believer in manifestation so I often wonder if he is thinking/praying for me and that’s why I get these strong feelings? I always put out to the universe that if he is thinking of me to let him reach out. Because I don’t know if it would still be a problem if I reached out to him. My husband wouldn’t have an issue because there’s no trust issues at all. He still has girls he “dated” on his Facebook from yearsss ago. And I’m ok because it’s been so long. I don’t feel any insecurity there. I know I would apologize if he ever did reach out and I would love to be friends again.

I know this is so long and I’m so sorry. I just dumped my whole brain and heart out. I’m wondering if anyone has advice or has been through it before. Because I do feel bad when I search them online. Almost like a stalker which is never my intention. I just am so curious and I have no idea why. It’s killing me that I feel this way.