The other day I realized how toxic/manipulative/ narcissistic my mother truly is. I mean I’ve known for a while, but the other day was truly eye opening. It hurts because my whole life I’ve been the one to blame. My family (not all of them) sticks up for her because they truly don’t see what goes on behind closed doors. When I try to explain to them it’s always “well you were a lot of trouble when you were younger.” Or “well you put her through a lot.” It just sucks not having people on your side or even believing you.

I’m just going to tell you what happened the other day. If I could include voice messages that I sent to my husband I would.

The other night my friend calls me bawling crying. She tells me her husband is getting arrested due to him abusing her. She’s so tore up. Well she’s about a days drive away from where I live. So I told her if her mom couldn’t come get her or get her a plane ticket my husband and I would be otw. So I go outside start getting everything ready to possibly leave. Well I tell my mother “hey we may be gone a day or two. Don’t worry. I’m just going to help a friend”. She then asks me to explain so I basically told her my friend was in an abusive situation. (Didn’t give her any details because that doesn’t matter) Anyways she immediately flips on me. She tells me that if I leave I don’t care about her because she will worry. She then tells me if I leave she will destroy all of our stuff. Literally telling me how she will fuck up everything that I love. She tells me I’m the dumbest bitch ever for putting friends above family. (Her logic was I was putting my friend before her because if I left she would worry and I shouldn’t put her through that) She completely shows her ass then tells me how me going to the hospital all hours of the night woke her up so we must not care about her sleep (talking about how there was times I had to call an ambulance late at night due to severe panic attack. Literally my heart rate was in the 150s and wouldn’t go down) Literallt completely changing the subject and just trying to make me look horrible. So I just stop talking to her but then this women sits here and BLAMES MY FRIEND FOR THE ABUSE. She said “well she went and moved there with him so it’s her fault what happens.” Like what...?? She said if you put yourself in that situation, you are asking for it. So then we started arguing AGAIN. Because wtf. How are you going to blame the victim for the abuse? She didn’t even know he was like that til after they moved away. He changed completely and that’s not her fault. It’s never somebody who’s getting abused fault. She keeps going and then brings up my abuse and says “well you put yourself in that situation didn’t you.” Like what...? That has nothing to do with what was even going on. So I just finally walk outside. I’m bawling and my husband finally gets home from getting gas. She completely changes. Like she started saying “well that’s not what I said” when my husband asked wtf was going on. Even tho I recorded her. My friend then texted and said she got a plane ticket so I go in just to go to sleep. Then the next day since we didn’t leave my mother wanted to act like everything was fucking back to normal. There’s so much more she said the other day but it would be wayyyy too long if I included every single thing. She makes everything about her and if I don’t do what she wants or the way she wants then I must not care about her. I’m struggling so bad mentally. Just got out of a 3 days stay at the hospital due to an eating disorder which lead to dehydration/low potassium and other things that I needed to stay to be monitored for. She claims that my ptsd isn’t real and I’ve had it better than most so “my life couldn’t be that bad.” I’m just a fucking WRECK.

Before y’all ask, yes we are planning on moving. We have a house lined up but unfortunately we have just been picking up side jobs Due to my husband losing his job. (He stayed with me at the hospital for support and they fired him due to missing 2 days.) We still have the house lined up (it’s a family friend who’s renting it out) and he said take all the time we need to get shit figured out. We are trying trust me. I just needed to rant and get it off my chest because nobody believes me honestly...