I’m sorry to still talk about this. It’s been a month. But I process things so differently than people.

When things happen that hurt or make me grieve, it just takes a long, long time for me to deal with it. And that’s okay. That’s also why this shit ass relationship dragged on, it just takes me a minute and I had a lot of shit going on as well in my family. Tragic deaths, my mental health suffering.

If you’re annoyed just click out.

Disclaimer: none of this is in order. I just remember them randomly.

I swear, this dude taught me that being in a toxic relationship alters your views on reality. I did not realize just how unhappy I was with him. Now that he’s gone, my anxiety is so much better. I had to walk on eggshells, I didnt know what would or wouldn’t piss him off.

I wanna go through the list of things that my ex did that were really messed up, the reasons why I basically broke up with him in my mind before we actually broke up.

His shitty friends and reputation were more important than me. He only had one friend that I genuinely liked and befriended as well and I seriously wish that dude the best. He is a good guy and my ex’s actions have nothing to do with him. He was both of our friends like he was a real friend for me. I loved his wife and child and I had been around since his son was an infant. I will always love those people.

#1 He cheated on me. Lied about it for months. Seriously don’t get how someone can look you in the eyes and just bold face lie to you but cool cool.

2. He isolated me. I met this girl that I really liked man like me and her are so much alike and it is so nice to talk to another girl that you relate to so well, and she is my best friend one. She is the first actual friend I had in years because he isolated me, and we were talking on speaker phone one night and we were talking about our favorite parts of ourselves and our least favorite parts. I said i like my eyes and she was “oh you do have very pretty eyes and eyelashes.” He immediately gets PISSED.

I notice that, get off the phone and ask him what’s wrong and he accused me of cheating on him with her and hid my Xbox from me.

Yeah, I took my Xbox back and stayed friends with her.

3. My grandmother died from cancer the day before my birthday in September. I had been her caregiver for 7 months. She literally died in my arms. All I wanted from him was.. him.. his presence. When she died, I went to him. I let him know she died, and he said “ok” like? And I went to him to be held, Instead, he said “I’ve been waiting a week for your grandma to finally freaking die, I already made plans with my friends and I’m not looking flakey to them.” And I was like wtf is wrong with you. You are horrible and he told me “death is a normal part of life. Get over it.” And literally recommended me watch a fucking cartoon about death to make me get over it because he was tired of hearing about it and how sad I was.

Okay, this traumatized me. I don’t know why, like it really messed me up. At that moment, I knew I had to get rid of this mother fucker but I literally couldn’t mentally handle it. At this time I didn’t know he was cheating but I suspected it, so he was probably with her that night.

4. The massive double standard. He had to know where I was at all times, but I let him do whatever he wanted, never even asked where he went but how dare I want to go out with my new friend because I obviously just FUCK everyone 🙄

5. When he had to help with bills he threw the biggest FUCKING fit. I took care of myself and this man BY myself while he worked a lazy shit job and instead of helping pay at least one utility he spent his money on fucking goku figurines.

I don’t care if you collect those. But he spent thousands of dollars on those bitches while I busted my ass to keep a roof over our heads and if I confronted him about it, he’d throw a fucking FIT.

If I see another god damn goku statue or whatever I’m literally going to beat the shit out of someone with it. I was so tired of looking at fucking goku.

6. Had nothing to do with my family. At all. And it was embarrassing as fuck. Like, they bought him Christmas presents and he never showed up to family holidays so I stopped showing up to his, again. Another fucking fit. Double standards.

He hung out with them once when I told him that this was another deal breaker for me and everytime I brought it up after that he was like “I ALREADY HUNG OUT WITH THEM.” Oh my god, I am so glad I never have to have this conversation again.

7. We started out homeless at 18, and I was the first one to get a car. When I got my car, he got jealous and literally took control of it like I had to ask to have MY car that I paid for and I had to have my mother get the car, I had to break up with his sorry ass to get my own car back. He would get pissed when I asked him to pick me up from work IN MY FUCKING CAR.

His family had to buy him a car.

8. He was doing LSD, and E, and Molly behind my back. When I got with him he was addicted to pain pills and it was a whole ordeal and he got clean but then I find out that he was going out with his friends and doing drugs behind my

Back and the thing is, I’m not even controlling like that. I hate drugs but he’s a grown ass man and wasn’t doing the drug he was previously addicted to, but the thing that really pissed me off that it was kept secret from me and I just didn’t like it. I’m sorry but I just hated that shit. I mean, are you fucking kidding? Are you 16?

9. After he did a lot of LSD he thought he was like.. above everyone and everything else. He thinks he knows everything, he told me he was better than me. That was the most annoying shit I have ever... I can’t even. Oh my god,

You are god now because you fried your brain with a lot of acid. Ok.

OH, I also found out that he did coke with his brother last year. “Just once.” now... THAT pissed me off.

10. When my nieces were born, they were like my whole world. He told me “I don’t even know why you’re dating me because when those kids got here I stopped existing to you.”

They were newborn freaking babies. He was jealous and angry about babies. That’s ridiculous in itself but they were the first babies born in over 10 years in my family and they are identical twin girls. Screw me, worst girlfriend ever for being so inlove with my brand new beautiful nieces. I ignored him, I still spent time with them.

11. He literally could never be wrong. About anything, about how horrible he was to me when my grandma died. About how bad and rude it was to ignore my family. Accusing me of cheating when I find a friend after like 5 years of having no friends because of him.

12: if something happened that inconvenienced him, he treated me like it was my fault and would just talk to me like total shit. For example, a drunk woman ran into our power pole and snapped it in half and the power company had to turn our power off, bring a whole ass Crain to fix it. And this guy acted like this was my fault, everything.. even if it was completely random and had nothing to do with me, if it made him mad he took it out with me.

13. I am on two different antidepressants for clinical depression, severe PSTD, OCD, and anxiety.

I am prescribed Xanax, and he would shame me for it. Screamed in my face calling me a drug addict, said my antidepressants were bullshit and that I just had no control over my mind and that I was weak, because “everyone deals

With depression. Get over it. You just have no self discipline and let it control you.”

My bad mental health mixed with this fuck face led me to having a mental break down. I am literally in the middle of a break down, sobbing, screaming, saying I wanted to die and that I needed to be checked in to a hospital and he told me he would leave me if I went and checked myself in.

I seriously don’t know how I survived my mental health being so bad with an emotionally and mentally neglectful and abusive partner.

What matters is that I made him disappear, poof, blocked. His entire family blocked. I haven’t talked to him at all since i found out he was screwing his coworker.

If you’re really pissed after reading this.

I found a condom. We hadn’t used condoms in SIX years, I was in a committed relationship and I was loyal. I was checked every year. I had IUD inserted last year and before that I was on the pill. There was no reason for condoms, I was there every time we had sex y’all like we did not use them.

When he moved out, (I Kicked him out in one night and haven’t heard or seen him since) he left one in his drawer, a drawer that I never touched and he knew I never touched it because it was just full of

Random crap.

I used it with someone else on Valentine’s Day. I had a WONDERFUL Valentine’s Day.

He ruined my birthday, he ruined Christmas, he wasn’t going to ruin Valentine’s Day. Period.

I’ve also realized now that I’ve majorly detached, that he kinda ugly.

Sometimes, break ups actually feel good. I was more upset over stubbing my toe this morning than when I found out he couldn’t keep his wiener in his pants