I feel stupid writing this but I have zero places to turn. If you read all of this, thank you. I’m just not doing okay anymore and nobody cares to listen.

Lately, I’ve noticed myself become super depressed and I’ll have episodes that everything is great, I’m happy, I have no complaints. But most of the time, I’m super depressed. I can’t even fake smile. I had my son about two months ago now and I think ppd is kicking my ass.

I’ve suffered depression my whole life but it’s never been anything like it is now.

I couldn’t imagine hurting my son but myself? Oh, yeah.

I’m always alone. My husband works nights and he’s gone until about 6 a.m., he comes home and pretty much goes to sleep until he has to go to work again. I don’t get much interaction. Weekends? He sleeps all day and is on his video games all night.

I’ve tried to start problems just so he’ll stop and pay attention to me, even if it’s for 10 minutes. I’ve start to accuse him of cheating on me with my ex-boyfriends ex-girlfriend. It’s stupid, really. He refuses to even acknowledge anything I tag him in or send him but whatever she posts online, he reacts to. I’ve definitely been feeling extremely insecure.

He has no idea how I’m feeling and doesn’t even bother to ask me if I’m okay, he just complains that I’m a crybaby and he’s tired of me always being pouty and sad. I’ve never been good at pleasuring him and sex was way different when we were 16/18. Everything I do is wrong.

5 years has really changed a lot and I just miss when things were different. I don’t regret having my son but I know it would be way easier to leave the relationship or life if I wouldn’t have went through with the pregnancy.

Edit: he didn’t start being disrespectful until a little after two years of us being together. It’s when he started to get physical with me. It wasn’t always physical. It’s not a once a week thing or once a month. It’s every six to eights months. It’s been now over a year since he was last physical with me. I got pregnant right after the last time.