Like a lot of couples, my husband and I are both struggling with stress management during the pandemic. We are arguing a lot more than usual, which wouldn't necessarily drain me that much, except that my husband does not behave well during arguments (screaming, hitting himself and objects around him, calling me names).

He's also started trying to make me responsible for his behavior during arguments. He told me that if I wanted to "manage" him better, I should just be nice to him when I wanted him to do things (like chores, etc). He literally told me that when he was mad as a child, his mom would just hug him and make him feel better, even if it was her that he was mad at.

I responded by saying that that's a parent's role, to help a child feel like their big feelings are ok and help them learn to manage them-- but he's not a child anymore and I'm not his mother. I don't turn the other cheek very well when someone is yelling at me. (He response to that: "If you say that again, I will kill myself.")

On the one hand, sure, everyone is more motivated to do stuff if the person asking is being nice to them. On the other hand, if he's pissed at me and calling me names, I REALLY don't think it's fair to ask me to roll over and hug him to make him feel better. That feels like a real blow to my dignity.

I'm at a loss. Am I crazy? Should I just suck it up while he has tantrums? We have an 18 month old daughter and I'm pregnant with #2. I don't want our children hearing their father scream like that or watching him hit himself.

*I have told him i don’t find this behavior during arguments acceptable. He just says it’s because i make him mad, and he will not change it.