I've always been capable. A motivated, successful, independent person. I got a small glimpse of what my life would look like without my husband of +12 years and it was appealing, intriguing, almost exhilarating to know someone was attracted to me.

My husband and I have been together since high school. He was the only person I had ever been with sexually and emotionally. As I get older I've disected the personalities and traits of people I'm attracted to. I wanted more. I'm begging for a stronger connection. Something so intense I can't control myself. And then it happened.

I reconnected with a "nobody" I worked with years ago and the attraction was uncontrollable.

Now, months later;

-I've forced my husband to move miles away (back home) because I'm "mentally unstable"

-I've convinced this old colleague to move closer to me with the possibility of a relationship I don't really want.

-I've put both, my husband and colleague in a vulnerable, unhealthy position.

-The guilt overwhelms me to the point I feel I deserve to suffer.

-My mind constantly compares possibilities to the point I neglect my job, pets, family and well being.

- I have always been an isolated "black duck" I am incapable of directing my life through this.

-The guilt of testing and exposing my loved ones makes me feel worthless as a human. I'm completely disgusted in myself and I can't believe this is the human I am.

I'm looking for direction, seeking intense help and trying to be more honest than I have ever been.

Any feedback means so much to me. I am an oxymoron: Successful and a failure. Kind but cruel. Understanding but dramatic. Empathetic but distance.

Please help me. I need any guidance I can get.